The perils of public displays of personal intent

I admit that I've been rather silent since posting my grandiose revocation of Facebook and my intent to try to focus on delving deeper into the God mystery. I confess that this Lent has not taken the shape that I would have hoped: I have been super busy with multiple projects at work (primarily video editing) and in my personal life (I am now the webmaster at 412 Flock!).  And with the biking group's website, I've found myself needing to get back onto Facebook anyway. So things have not gone as planned.

Also, that last post was so amazing and overwhelmingly received, that I've found it difficult to find a focus to start the next one. Namely, I haven't set down to actually start. But I'm happy to say that I think I've found my focus and I hope to have that next post soon. It's just a matter of setting aside a half an hour to an hour to start putting down words.

(Hint: it's going to have to do with this piece of iconography.)

Thanks to those who have kindly checked in and encouraged me to keep writing. I will do so soon!

Who is God? (God is Love...?)

(This post was originally posted on my Facebook page, which I have recently decided to fast from for Lent.  I decided to be a little more intentional about my search and questions for God.  I'd love this to be a conversation, so I'll post some of the responses I got on FB here, and I hope to get a lot more in the comments section below!)

The little video from Sojourners, Ashes to Go made me very contemplative about my own qualms with the church and God and faith. I suppose Lent is a good time for that. Last week, the pastor preached a sermon that asked, what do we think of God and what do we believe that God thinks of us? I really think this might be the crux of faith and the issue with which I've been struggling.

You may have heard the phrase, "speak the truth in love." The idea on one part, is that, if you really love someone, then you will reveal to them the hard and maybe even ugly things about them. This is true, but I so often see this as an excuse for Christians to be nasty to people, while throwing it under the guise of love. I propose, that this really means that the person needs to know they are well-loved BEFORE receiving the difficult word. Otherwise, the word feels more like condemnation...and maybe in many cases that's exactly what it is, because the person sharing does not love or maybe even know the person to whom they speak. Guilt is ok-ish, if it then leads to change, but often, and at least in my case, there's a tendency to dwell in that guilt. And that can be paralyzing, leaving us stuck in our dysfunction.

Back to my view of God: I think in my case and perhaps many other struggling Christians, we hear "God is Love." We know this, but for some reason we always seem to hear and fixate on the idea that God is really disappointed in us (I even have a hilarious paraphrase of the Bible that is labeled exactly as such). What if, we knew that we were so unbelievably loved by the One who made us and knows us better than we know ourselves? Would that change the way that we think about ourselves, even while looking at our ugly parts? Would that change how we view others? Can a transformation take place in that space of accepting Love?

I don't usually post this forwardly about my faith (or my struggle to keep one thereof), but I guess I felt compelled by my grandma's recent death (and her loving, faithful life) and by entering this season of Lent and looking at my own mortality that life is short and I need to address these things head on. I feel many people may be in the spot that I am. If so, let me know, and I'd love to make this journey with you offline or in a different space. I'm searching for the God who I know loves me, as I am, and in spite of any darkness or perceived darkness inside my heart, with a transformative Love. I'm not looking for pat answers either. I struggle with that in religion, that there's a simple answer when it seems it's not...and yet it is: when it's simply Love. And exploring Jesus, as perhaps that physical, alive person to more fully convey that Love.

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Comment from my friend Brandon V: "I believe unconditional love is absolutely necessary for self transformation to occur. Only by accepting everything that makes us who we are (including the dark stuff) starting with our thoughts, words, actions, and habits can we truly say we love "ourselves" unconditionally. I put the word "ourselves" in quotes because we tend to define the self with words or symbols and not more accurate ways of defining the reality of what we are. This clouds our judgment of the self and can cleverly place things we need to address outside the box of who or what we are, and place blame on environment (an extension of the self) or on another (a reflection of the self). We must love ourselves unconditionally with acceptance of the good and bad before we can change. If we set conditions, deny the truth, or shirk responsibility, we resist the change. Change is prevented by spending energy on denying the need for it. We free the energy to be used to transform the self when we no longer resist the change by applying truly unconditional love. When the mind is clear and still, the miracle occurs."

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Comments from my friend Drew: "On "What does God think of us..."

I think that "love," itself, needs a discussion in semantics. I'm not sure that God "loves us" in the same way that we tend to use the term. But then, who knows what an entity that by very definition is beyond our understanding, thinks/feels. 

I would imagine that God has more of a Buddhist take in regards to love. We don't "love" the hair on our head, or else we are superficial/materialist. We can love what we do with the hair on our head, love in a human way, but with the understanding that it is in transition. Do we love it any less when we are young, when we are old and gray, when we are bald? There is a beauty in all phases and we must all learn to appreciate the phases as a greater whole and as an object in transition. Does God love us when we do wrong? Yes, because God sees the entire path and is not fixated on a place along that path. 

Instead of hair, what about a stomach. Do I love my stomach? Probably not when I have a stomach ache. But, I should... that stomach ache is trying to tell me something. Perhaps it's trying to tell me that I had unsafe or unhealthy food. Perhaps it told me that I have a virus. We need to learn to see pain with love, to understand where it fits in the greater scheme of things. We need to look at the path and the whole, rather than the specific and temporary. I think the same goes with looking at the whole of humanity as a large body/organism. What insight can we gain from those that cause us pain and grief? If we don't "love" the source of pain, perhaps we fail to understand its purpose. 

Since we are always blind to the future and lack the insight that a lifetime may or may not shed (it's difficult to know what another person has been through or where the future will lead them), I'm not sure that we can love so much as remember not to hate. We can call it love if we view love as a form of acceptance, but we often use it with a stronger meaning than that.

I don't think that God loves so much as God accepts. It's the gift of insight. Not sure if I'm being clear enough with my meaning but I'm trying to throw out a perspective and food for thought. I think we need to be careful with how we define love in regards to God, because it's easy to personify something we don't really understand all that well. I think personification can be a trap in thinking."

Reply from me:  "That's a fair assessment. There are certainly different kinds of love too. C.S. Lewis wrote a book called "the Four Loves" which goes into some of the varying definitions. And our culture has come to use the word "love" in place of the word "like" as well, sort of stripping some of the special intensity of the word. Lewis uses the term Unconditional Love to describe the love of God (EDIT: I checked, and Lewis actually uses the term "Charity", which I'm ambivalent towards, though I think he meant it in a deeper sense than us modern folk take the term), no matter what we have done or will do, we are loved, and loved regardless of any emotion typically attached to the word love. Love as a verb. I use capitol L Love. It is like a parent and child, but as I think you mean here, human analogy can only take us so far if we are talking of a divine being rather than a human. And I think that's the trap we fall under when we follow religion too...religion, is basically OUR reaching out for God. It's human by nature, but not to say that it might not be touched or directed occasionally by divine insight. Anyway, we have a very imperfect picture of God, but as human, the best we can do is to recognize that. Perhaps that's where prayer comes into play? Perhaps we are given the ability to love at least in part, to the portion that God can Love a person? But maybe part of that, is to recognize the overwhelming and unattainable Love that God shows to us? And in that recognition of being Beloved, we can (at least imperfectly) love others - and ourselves - in a more complete measure?"

And what happens when/if a God decides to reduce God's self to human form? To feel as we do, to go through our existence? To reach us in Love in a more tangible way and still be connected to the Godself? To model the way we are to love as humans perhaps? To show that suffering is a way to connect to others, not to be avoided. To show that Love is laying down our lives for another. I think this is why I find Jesus not only an intriguing figure but a doorway into who God is. Of course, if you believe it to be true."

Reply from Drew: "well, in that case, you have two centuries of debate over what Jesus was/represented. Of course, I choose not to weigh in on that specific angle since my personal beliefs do not view Jesus as part of a trinity.
I may read that book by Lewis."

Reply from me: "I feel like I'm being pulled to strip away everything in order to have it built back up again. I think I shall blog. I'll continue this there. I may pull some of these initial thoughts people sent me there."

Reply from Drew: "Everyone should challenge presumptions and blindly accepted/taught beliefs. Just do so with an open heart and mind and an openness to what input others have (from all perspectives). I think that is a better description of being "born again" anyway... not the usual meaning."  

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Comment from my friend Joyce: "It's not easy. Sometimes there are no answers, but I still believe God is love and loves each and every one of us."

Reply by Drew: "I believe that God is present and undeniable. I just try not to define it beyond that... Just posting as an affirmation of belief."

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Comment from my friend Brandon: "The summation of my beliefs resulting from my experiences as an open-minded lover of all: There is nothing that is not God."

Strip District Trail is Open (finally)

The Strip District Trail has been closed off for almost 2 years now due to new construction and utility work close by.  The promised reopen date has long since passed and been extended, so many were skeptical when it was announced that it would, indeed reopen by the end of October.

As Bike Pittsburgh announced yesterday, it finally did!  I rode through this rainy Wednesday morning to check it out.

It took me a while to remember which streets were one-way, so I actually had to roll down past the Cork Factory Lofts and backtrack.  Next time, I would probably avoid Penn altogether and grab Railroad from 28th.

I went down 24th street and was able to access the little blip of concrete to 23rd, and though this was blocked off (view toward Downtown), I could get my bike through with one foot down.

Beside the Marina, looking back on barrier and a view of the parking lot with gravel.

Not a terribly good access point here either.

This is the view from 21st street, the official open part of the trail.  There's paved surface accessible from Railroad and Smallman, but note that 21st is one-way toward Liberty from Smallman.

The rest of the ride to the South Side was car-free and pretty much smooth sailing, no issues on the Strip trail.  There were parts with a lot of wet leaves and couple spots with a bit of roughness or debris, but it was not bad and I was proceeding with caution.  I saw various other gated entrances to the trail that would presumably open when the developments are finished...(hoping they aren't private entrances). The trail on the Downtown side of the Allegheny beyond that was a bit more bumpy with some worn concrete seams, but no problems here either.  The ramp up to Ft. Pitt behind the museum is nice now that it has been repaired this summer.  And I got to see one of many of these amusing little contraptions on the rail line along the South Side Trail going through Station Square:

Unfortunately, as I have heard, the South Side trail shortcut is officially closed off.  Be prepared to dismount as they somehow think that loose gravel is a great surface for bicycles to ride upon:

I took the streets the rest of the way to the office and luckily, no bad car interactions. I also found out that my waterproof rain pants are no longer so water proof.  Sigh:

#inktober Day 1

I recently decided to participate in the #InkTober challenge. I will create an ink drawing or sketch each day during the month of October.  This was part of a challenge offered on the RPG-based To-Do app, Habitica. Find out more about #InkTober here: mrjakeparker.com/inktober

Bridge Crossing on "You Are Here Stories"

I had the fortunate opportunity to be published as a guest blogger on the fantastic "You Are Here Stories" blog for which my friend and former housemate is a regular contributor.  June is the "Travel and Place" theme, which I interpreted more on a micro-level.

It's a rehash of an old piece I wrote in 2008.  I hope you enjoy!

Read it here: http://wp.me/p5fqQD-ve

Lessons from the Pit

The Spirit whispers to me in my agony:

"Do not seek after only good days my child,

you do not learn what you need from them.

Do not rely on the lovely and light and pleasant,

they will just as soon float away when trouble comes.

When that time of trouble comes...embrace it.

Hold it close to you and behold it intently.
Do not scorn its presence.

For when one is without,

THAT is the time when one realizes the need.

THAT is when true appreciation comes...

When there is a lack,
THAT is when one realizes how much is left.

THAT is when Gratitude sets in...

Health and Youth are but fleeting things.
Strength and Happiness are qualities that waft away.
Weakness and Sadness seep deep into the bones.
They hang there and develop the true sort of strength

And a true sort of Joy.
The kind that physical circumstance cannot take away.

Cry out.

Yes, cry out to God.

Though God may seem far off at the time.

The One Who Understands is much nearer than you suppose."

In that cry of desperation,

My God My God, why have you forsaken me?
When I am at my lowest,
That is when I start to look up

And see what has been there all along.
That's when I peer inside
And see who I really am.

I run to hide under Your Wings.

You take me in like a Mother Hen.
I find solace in Your Arms.
You will never let me fall to the point of ruin.

Nothing is beyond repair in Your Hands.

I lift my hands that once were fists

That once beat my breast in sorrow.
I lift them high in praise and thankfulness.

I open them to receive the Grace You have for me.

After the suffering, I have new eyes to see the world around me.
My heart is softened, I am no longer blind to others' pain.

My heart is also enlarged, I can carry more after You have lifted my burden.
My hands seek to do the work to love others as You have so Loved me.

De-Winterizing the Heart

I start to peel back the plastic and adhesive

that clung tightly to my windows this winter.

The sound of it pulling off of the frame is

as satisfying as the sound of popping bubble wrap.

It is like pulling off a bandaid after the wound heals:

It is Spring, and I no longer need the protection.

While I know there may be some cold snaps yet,

I do not fear the chill as I might have months ago.

My body is acclimating to this new state of being,

I am stronger from the winter solace.

It is Spring, and warmth is coming soon.

I crack open the window and a cool pleasant breeze

flows into the room, refreshing the staleness.

I hear birds chirping and see the brilliant sun setting

over the beautiful city skyline I call home.

It is Spring, and I feel the hope in the air.

Life is like riding a bicycle

"Life is like riding a bicycle: to keep your balance, you must keep moving."

I loved this when I saw it this weekend on a trip with my mom and some other ladies in Berlin, OH (Amish country).

There are times in my life, when I need my training wheels, when I need someone, God, a friend, a family member to hold me up and keep me balanced.  But when the training wheels are to come off, I need to keep moving or I will tip over.  If I'm too afraid to start, I will never get anywhere. If I'm too afraid of where I'm "supposed" to go, I'll never get there.

We all have seasons in life, and I feel like right now, I'm starting to get back my confidence and trying to not rely on the crutch of my training wheels.  In my spiritual life, I have been agonizing over my lack of prayer, my lack of discipline.  I wonder about the "right" way to do it. I worry about going the wrong direction and relying too much on my own power and getting into a accident because I went the wrong way.  I forget that the "wrong choices" can often be teaching moments and point me to turn around into the right direction.  Sure, it'd be better to avoid them, but if I'm not moving because I'm afraid to fail, I've failed before I've even started.

In a way, it's better for us to see God as a parent who wants us to always come to them in all situations like a child.  But God also wants us to be able to ride that bike without needing their hand on the back seat. To be sure, God is never far in case of trouble and to cheer us on, but perhaps we need to have more confidence in ourselves, in our God-given ability to make good choices and to do good things? This does not mean that we don't need God desperately, it just means that like recognizing a health practitioner's God-given talents to heal, perhaps we need to see those qualities in us and trust them as though they were the words of God saying, "do this," ?

So for me, right now, I'm finding this "keep moving" mantra to be very helpful. God is good about letting me know when I need to turn around or avoid a pothole or go in a different direction when we need to, it's the staying still that keeps us from moving or growing.  Or not getting back up when we do fall down.  I think that is often how our faith plays out: moving forward in confidence that God has our back as we keep going, keeping open to new directions as they present themselves and listening for God's voice if we do need to go in a different direction.

I do think it's also dangerous to be puffed up and think we are beyond God's help or guidance or rest.  This in itself is a balancing act.  Gratitude is the key: it's where we take our own efforts and bring it back to God as the source of our abilities.  When we live in gratitude and humility, it becomes less about what we are doing and how we are doing it, and more about enjoying the experience in the moment.  When I've ridden my bicycle, there are times when I'm too focused on the destination and technique and time that cause me grief and frustration, or there are those enthralling moments when the wind is in my hair and I feel free and overwhelming gratitude.  I think that latter example is how God wants us to enjoy and experience life.  Not that all is daisies, but gratitude, when it also applies to the hard stuff in life, is a powerful thing that can drastically change our outlook on a situation.  We keep moving, but we keep moving in gratitude and awareness.

Just keep moving, y'all.

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EDIT: I realize that this post is almost counter to other posts I've made and maybe swinging more on the Free Will end of things (here's another post where I talk about that paradox of being).  I'm not sure how to square these two realities: that I need God to even breathe, but I have been given Free Will too and I have a sort of power on my own, limited though it may be.  I feel right now that I'm more on the side of the pendulum that says to "move" and "act" and be confident in the abilities God already gave me.  Also, there is my relationship I have with God...I do believe that sharing life with God and recognizing the "God things" is more the point of our faith anyway.  It's not really about doing great spiritual things, it's about growing closer to the heart of the Creator of the Universe.  The action and gratitude can then come naturally out of that relationship.

Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home

I just had a wonderful weekend with some wonderful ladies in my life (including my mom!) and I referenced Richard Foster's book on Prayer.  I realized that I had referenced it quite a bit in recent posts over the past couple years, and have mentioned that I can never seem to get past the first chapter on "Simple Prayer".  While I think it's ok to be "stuck" in a phase of prayer, and indeed, as Foster says, we will probably never outgrow this type of prayer, I think using that fact as an excuse to not get through the rest of the book is doing me a disservice. :)

So going back to a long gone post, I think I shall pick up this book again and give it a go.  I will try to read a chapter every week or so and attempt to just focus on this form of prayer for the week.  And write about it!  Of course I will always come back to the beginning, but at this point in my life, I'm ready to keep moving forward.  I desire very much to start digging into spiritual disciplines!

Fourth Station of the Cross

Fourth station of the cross - Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem.

Luke 23:27-30

And there followed him a great multitude of the people and of women who were mourning and lamenting for him. But turning to them Jesus said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’ Then they will begin to say to the mountains, ‘Fall on us,’ and to the hills, ‘Cover us.’ For if they do these things when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?”

This is admittedly, one of those strange prophecy sort of things that Jesus has said in the gospel readings.  For my church's 3-hour Good Friday vigil, artists were asked to create their representation of various stations of the cross during the first 2 hours and then we placed them in the last hour.  We only read up to the first bolded part on this station.

I mean, what do you do with the rest of it?  Every depiction I found on the internet showed Jesus with his cross casually slung behind one shoulder while addressing a crowd of properly mournful women.  No artist seems to touch the rest of it.

Come on Jesus, I know you are suffering and all, but is this any time to be saying these weird future voodoo things?  These are not very comforting words!

I looked up some commentary on the verse and found some interesting thoughts, particularly on the last sentence: "For if they do these things when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?"

At first, I was led to believe that Jesus, having not sinned, is the green wood.  And him saying this is essentially saying, "If even I am being put to death, then how much more terror will come onto you sinners in due time?"

Not really satisfied with this explanation, I'm wondering if this really means, "Since I'm am with you and they are putting me to death.  How much more suffering you will experience as my followers when I am not physically with you?"  As we know, many of his early followers faced similar or even more cruel deaths at the hand of the Romans.

Or perhaps he is simply seeing the the future destruction of Jerusalem as happened in 70 AD, a mere 37 years after his death?

I don't think I can entirely unpack this passage...that's the tough mystery with these prophetic statements.  Whatever the true meaning (and there may be multiple) it is interesting that Jesus would take the time to teach women even as he is going through his own suffering and humiliation.

Easter Rose

I made this during a gathering of art friends last week.  I think I enjoy the light charcoal on dark background and may try doing a series of drawings using this sort of style.  And with the theme of rebirth, growth or resurrection out of pain or heartbreak.

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord 's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.

(Isaiah 61:1-4 ESV)

  

This was painted during Advent at a sunday service at Church of the Ascension.

Step Back From the Mirror...

Sometimes it happens:

I am standing at the mirror and get a close look at my face...

Now I don't fancy myself all that concerned about looks, but I would be lying if I said I NEVER cared...

So close to the mirror, I can see little things that bother me.  Things that might not really be that big of a deal. The problem is when I begin to fixate.  And I soon realize that I've spent way more time than I have the business to be spending on my face, perhaps even making things worse.

This carries over to other areas in my life.

I fixate on a small task at work and then realize I have no time to do the bigger things.  I fixate on a certain detail of a project and spend time meaninglessly making corrections.

This gets worse when it comes to fixating on my failures.

I focus too much on what I feel I lack instead of what I have. In my spiritual journey, I focus on the many little things I feel I should be doing.

I find that I assume God sees me the same way.  Truth is, he DOES.  But he also sees the bigger picture and is full GRACE.  God knows my shortcomings as well as the wonderful things about me...and LOVES me completely.  I fail to see this when I get so close to my crap...I really am often a bad gauge of myself.

Times like this, I really need to learn to catch myself and to step away from the mirror.

I figured this Halloween pic would be an appropriate end to this post...

Thankfulness for the Small Measure Given

In the Christian community thankfulness is just what it is anywhere else in the Christian life. Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious. We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts. How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

I was looking up Bonhoeffer quotes recently and came across this one.  It hit me in the stomach and took the wind out of my lungs.

I realized that my struggle to get close to God is in direct proportion to my inability to be grateful.  I am not thankful for "the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience and love" that has been given to me.  Somehow, I think that I should be further along in my spiritual life than I am...whatever that means.

I'm too fixated on my supposed destination rather than being fully in my present reality in the journey.

I have felt for the past 10 years that I'm not sure who my community is and when I think I find it, I somehow lose it.  But, there have been steadfast people throughout my life and have I really stopped to be thankful for those faithful few?  I want to be satisfied with the little I have (which is actually a lot according to Bonhoeffer).

It makes me think of communion.  We only get a small part of the bread and a little sip of the cup.  But it is Enough.  Can I trust God right now, that the small bit that I have is enough?

Bonhoeffer mentions something that Jesus talked about: the fact that one who is thankful in small things will receive the big things.  I can't put the cart before the horse.  There's a "growth" that Bonhoeffer references...I hinder God from growing my fellowship in His terms.  Jesus mentioned the mustard seed in relation to faith: it is the tiniest of seeds, but grows into a branching tree, in which birds can find their nest.

I cannot underestimate the small things in my life...they are where God wants me to grow.  Lord, help me to learn daily gratitude of the small things.

Lessons From Flying - Outgoing

We take off east instead of heading directly towards the destination.
As we begin to bank to the left, I glimpse my city amidst the fog:
Its distinct skyline slightly silhouetted by the rising sun.
It is almost too harsh to view, but I look intently for the familiar shapes and lines.

Soon enough, we continue our curve towards the west
And begin to put miles between our steel flying machine and my home.

The landscape below transforms into a thick layer of clouds:
an alien terrain of rippling, puffy ether.
This highway in the atmosphere will lead me to an even more foreign place.
This place is full of beauty and wonder and adventure.
Yet it is not all unknown: it holds the familiarity of an old friend.

Air travel can certainly be argued to be a "point A to point B" experience.
Of course the reason is to cut down the time in order to more enjoy the destination.
But I would say that the journey, the line between, matters.
It has something to teach me as much as the destination.
The question is, do I take the time to really see?

In order to get where we need to go in life,
Sometimes we need to take a good look back.
It seems counterintuitive; but it can be necessary to move forward.
It can be hard to look back: like staring into a bright, burning orb.
But if we persevere, we see what we need to see - and then move on.

The 30,000 foot view of our lives can give us better perspective
And a healthier view of ourselves and our life's path.
The way forward is unknown, but there is promise of Beauty.
And Friendship.
And Adventure.

I try to remember this as I see the miles multiply;
Even as I am not yet where I want to be:
I am exactly where I need to be.

Grief in the Seasons

As summer fades into the cool crispness of fall,
I am reminded that life has its seasons too.

Fall reminds me that dying is part of life.
Certain things need to die in order for others to thrive.

The waiting is difficult,
but I know spring and new life will come again.

And if I fixate too much on spring,
I will miss out on the things that winter needs to teach.

If I worry too much about the oncoming winter,
I will not enjoy the melancholy beauty that is fall.

There is a sad/beautiful ache to grief.
It wraps my heart and hangs there for a while,
as if testing the branches of the tree that is my soul.

Time passes.
The remnants of us slowly fade.

How many more articles of clothing and kitchen utensils will I find that is yours?
Less, as the time goes.

I see the pictures of you drop off of the page,
as each new one without you is added.

Part of me is glad to not have the memories at the forefront.
Part of me grieves the willful process of forgetting the past.

Yet, I decide to unplug.
I need to let some things go.
And be ok with whether or not they return.

Now it is winter, I thought I was doing so well.
The sudden cold makes me realize how alone I am I night.
Trying to keep myself warm under the covers.

And yet, I am not truly alone.
There are many wonderful souls who stand at my side.
They help me to grow and point me toward life.

I will try again, and I will try again.
In a new place where you are not.

But not now: Now I am to find out who I really am:
Who I am will be made clear through the dead of winter.

And more importantly, WHOSE I am.
Can I trust God when he says that I am Beloved?

The pain will lessen, and my heart will thaw,
as I begin to live into that identity.

Today, I grieve.
Today, I feel the darkness.
But even winter, is just the beginning of spring.

The Offensiveness of the Cross

This piece was created in relation to this sermon: http://www.ascensionpittsburgh.org/images/music/2014_02_09_Millard.mp3

Throwing off every weight and hinderance

Usually at Lent I try to emphasize that I'd much rather add something good than take something away from my life. I've recently realized that this is a rather incomplete view of the church tradition, just as restricting one's self for the sake of restricting.

I recently read this in an Anglican Lenten devotional which references the familiar verse from Hebrews 12:

"At its heart, Lent is not about giving up some triviality for 40 days; it is about throwing off every weight and hindrance in order that we might run freely to obtain God's promises."

We are finite people with finite energy. If our focus is on one thing, that also means that our focus is NOT on another. We don't just find the extra time or extra ability to add time of devotion to our day, we half ass one thing to half ass another. We try to fit God into our lives after all the other things that take our attention and wonder why it doesn't fit.

I've come to realize also, that the things I'm holding onto are NOT healthy and do not fit into the picture of who I or my Heavenly Father wants me to be.  I'm busy stubbornly raking through muck and straw rather than striving for a crown (referencing Christina in Pilgrim's Progress witnessing the man with the muck rake).

"A man who could look no way but downward with the muck-rake in his hands;
who would neither look up nor regard the crown he was offered." - Pilgrim's Progress

This Lent, I'm giving up the temporary pleasure of games and extraneous internet use. This is really hard for me, because I'm surrounded by it every day at work. Instead, I hope to focus on the work at hand and to add more helpful and productive things like taking walks or talking to my coworkers when I need a break. I hope to read more in the evening and spend time being with housemates and friends. I hope to spent 20 minutes a day in quiet and remember that I am Beloved.

I'm giving up, so I'm free to run towards the things that give me LIFE. What will you give up for this season of Lent?

A light shines in the darkness

"A light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

A Word for those who need something to hold onto.

A Word that brings Hope to the hopeless.

A Word that alludes to the "here, but not yet".

A Word that defies the odds and looks to the day when a single flame will become a blazing fire - the Holy Spirit covering the entire earth.

Surprised by Hope - Ch. 1 - All Dressed Up and No Place To Go?

I'm finally starting to read N.T. Wright's Surprised By Hope and it's a pretty good read so far.  It addresses the disconnect I have often and more increasingly felt with "typical" Christian belief in life after death and the present time and reality of the world we live in.  We seem to throw away the created world in preference for a future ether-like existence.

Mr. Wright sums up this fracturing of "this world" and "the world to come" in his first chapter after describing 5 distinct pictures of death (emphasis mine):

This book addresses two questions that have often been dealt with entirely separately but that, I passionately believe, belong tightly together. First, what is the ultimate Christian hope? Second, what hope is there for change, rescue, transformation, new possibilities within the world in the present? And the main answer can be put like this.  As long as we see Christian hope in terms of "going to heaven," of a salvation that is essentially away from this world, the two questions are bound to appear unrelated. Indeed, some insist angrily that to ask the second at all is to ignore the first one, which is really the important one.  This in turn make some others angry when people talk of resurrection, as if this might draw attention away from the really important and pressing matters of contemporary social concern. But if the Christian Hope is for God's new creation, for "new heavens and new earth," and if that hope has already come to life in Jesus of Nazareth, then there is every reason to join the two questions together.  And if that is so, we find that answering one is also answering the other.  I find that to many-not least, many Christians-all this comes as a surprise: both that the Christian Hope is surprisingly different from what they had assumed and that this same hope offers a coherent and energizing basis for work in today's world.

Yes, it seems as though us Christians, as well as our non-Christian brothers and sisters around us seem to be fairly confused over what it is that we believe about heaven and what it means to the here and now.  Is this current life just a stepping ground to next? Is this present life all there is? Or is the answer something that puts "here and now" and the future on the same level of importance and marries them together in a way that should have never been separated?