The perils of public displays of personal intent

I admit that I've been rather silent since posting my grandiose revocation of Facebook and my intent to try to focus on delving deeper into the God mystery. I confess that this Lent has not taken the shape that I would have hoped: I have been super busy with multiple projects at work (primarily video editing) and in my personal life (I am now the webmaster at 412 Flock!).  And with the biking group's website, I've found myself needing to get back onto Facebook anyway. So things have not gone as planned.

Also, that last post was so amazing and overwhelmingly received, that I've found it difficult to find a focus to start the next one. Namely, I haven't set down to actually start. But I'm happy to say that I think I've found my focus and I hope to have that next post soon. It's just a matter of setting aside a half an hour to an hour to start putting down words.

(Hint: it's going to have to do with this piece of iconography.)

Thanks to those who have kindly checked in and encouraged me to keep writing. I will do so soon!

Who is God? (God is Love...?)

(This post was originally posted on my Facebook page, which I have recently decided to fast from for Lent.  I decided to be a little more intentional about my search and questions for God.  I'd love this to be a conversation, so I'll post some of the responses I got on FB here, and I hope to get a lot more in the comments section below!)

The little video from Sojourners, Ashes to Go made me very contemplative about my own qualms with the church and God and faith. I suppose Lent is a good time for that. Last week, the pastor preached a sermon that asked, what do we think of God and what do we believe that God thinks of us? I really think this might be the crux of faith and the issue with which I've been struggling.

You may have heard the phrase, "speak the truth in love." The idea on one part, is that, if you really love someone, then you will reveal to them the hard and maybe even ugly things about them. This is true, but I so often see this as an excuse for Christians to be nasty to people, while throwing it under the guise of love. I propose, that this really means that the person needs to know they are well-loved BEFORE receiving the difficult word. Otherwise, the word feels more like condemnation...and maybe in many cases that's exactly what it is, because the person sharing does not love or maybe even know the person to whom they speak. Guilt is ok-ish, if it then leads to change, but often, and at least in my case, there's a tendency to dwell in that guilt. And that can be paralyzing, leaving us stuck in our dysfunction.

Back to my view of God: I think in my case and perhaps many other struggling Christians, we hear "God is Love." We know this, but for some reason we always seem to hear and fixate on the idea that God is really disappointed in us (I even have a hilarious paraphrase of the Bible that is labeled exactly as such). What if, we knew that we were so unbelievably loved by the One who made us and knows us better than we know ourselves? Would that change the way that we think about ourselves, even while looking at our ugly parts? Would that change how we view others? Can a transformation take place in that space of accepting Love?

I don't usually post this forwardly about my faith (or my struggle to keep one thereof), but I guess I felt compelled by my grandma's recent death (and her loving, faithful life) and by entering this season of Lent and looking at my own mortality that life is short and I need to address these things head on. I feel many people may be in the spot that I am. If so, let me know, and I'd love to make this journey with you offline or in a different space. I'm searching for the God who I know loves me, as I am, and in spite of any darkness or perceived darkness inside my heart, with a transformative Love. I'm not looking for pat answers either. I struggle with that in religion, that there's a simple answer when it seems it's not...and yet it is: when it's simply Love. And exploring Jesus, as perhaps that physical, alive person to more fully convey that Love.

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Comment from my friend Brandon V: "I believe unconditional love is absolutely necessary for self transformation to occur. Only by accepting everything that makes us who we are (including the dark stuff) starting with our thoughts, words, actions, and habits can we truly say we love "ourselves" unconditionally. I put the word "ourselves" in quotes because we tend to define the self with words or symbols and not more accurate ways of defining the reality of what we are. This clouds our judgment of the self and can cleverly place things we need to address outside the box of who or what we are, and place blame on environment (an extension of the self) or on another (a reflection of the self). We must love ourselves unconditionally with acceptance of the good and bad before we can change. If we set conditions, deny the truth, or shirk responsibility, we resist the change. Change is prevented by spending energy on denying the need for it. We free the energy to be used to transform the self when we no longer resist the change by applying truly unconditional love. When the mind is clear and still, the miracle occurs."

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Comments from my friend Drew: "On "What does God think of us..."

I think that "love," itself, needs a discussion in semantics. I'm not sure that God "loves us" in the same way that we tend to use the term. But then, who knows what an entity that by very definition is beyond our understanding, thinks/feels. 

I would imagine that God has more of a Buddhist take in regards to love. We don't "love" the hair on our head, or else we are superficial/materialist. We can love what we do with the hair on our head, love in a human way, but with the understanding that it is in transition. Do we love it any less when we are young, when we are old and gray, when we are bald? There is a beauty in all phases and we must all learn to appreciate the phases as a greater whole and as an object in transition. Does God love us when we do wrong? Yes, because God sees the entire path and is not fixated on a place along that path. 

Instead of hair, what about a stomach. Do I love my stomach? Probably not when I have a stomach ache. But, I should... that stomach ache is trying to tell me something. Perhaps it's trying to tell me that I had unsafe or unhealthy food. Perhaps it told me that I have a virus. We need to learn to see pain with love, to understand where it fits in the greater scheme of things. We need to look at the path and the whole, rather than the specific and temporary. I think the same goes with looking at the whole of humanity as a large body/organism. What insight can we gain from those that cause us pain and grief? If we don't "love" the source of pain, perhaps we fail to understand its purpose. 

Since we are always blind to the future and lack the insight that a lifetime may or may not shed (it's difficult to know what another person has been through or where the future will lead them), I'm not sure that we can love so much as remember not to hate. We can call it love if we view love as a form of acceptance, but we often use it with a stronger meaning than that.

I don't think that God loves so much as God accepts. It's the gift of insight. Not sure if I'm being clear enough with my meaning but I'm trying to throw out a perspective and food for thought. I think we need to be careful with how we define love in regards to God, because it's easy to personify something we don't really understand all that well. I think personification can be a trap in thinking."

Reply from me:  "That's a fair assessment. There are certainly different kinds of love too. C.S. Lewis wrote a book called "the Four Loves" which goes into some of the varying definitions. And our culture has come to use the word "love" in place of the word "like" as well, sort of stripping some of the special intensity of the word. Lewis uses the term Unconditional Love to describe the love of God (EDIT: I checked, and Lewis actually uses the term "Charity", which I'm ambivalent towards, though I think he meant it in a deeper sense than us modern folk take the term), no matter what we have done or will do, we are loved, and loved regardless of any emotion typically attached to the word love. Love as a verb. I use capitol L Love. It is like a parent and child, but as I think you mean here, human analogy can only take us so far if we are talking of a divine being rather than a human. And I think that's the trap we fall under when we follow religion too...religion, is basically OUR reaching out for God. It's human by nature, but not to say that it might not be touched or directed occasionally by divine insight. Anyway, we have a very imperfect picture of God, but as human, the best we can do is to recognize that. Perhaps that's where prayer comes into play? Perhaps we are given the ability to love at least in part, to the portion that God can Love a person? But maybe part of that, is to recognize the overwhelming and unattainable Love that God shows to us? And in that recognition of being Beloved, we can (at least imperfectly) love others - and ourselves - in a more complete measure?"

And what happens when/if a God decides to reduce God's self to human form? To feel as we do, to go through our existence? To reach us in Love in a more tangible way and still be connected to the Godself? To model the way we are to love as humans perhaps? To show that suffering is a way to connect to others, not to be avoided. To show that Love is laying down our lives for another. I think this is why I find Jesus not only an intriguing figure but a doorway into who God is. Of course, if you believe it to be true."

Reply from Drew: "well, in that case, you have two centuries of debate over what Jesus was/represented. Of course, I choose not to weigh in on that specific angle since my personal beliefs do not view Jesus as part of a trinity.
I may read that book by Lewis."

Reply from me: "I feel like I'm being pulled to strip away everything in order to have it built back up again. I think I shall blog. I'll continue this there. I may pull some of these initial thoughts people sent me there."

Reply from Drew: "Everyone should challenge presumptions and blindly accepted/taught beliefs. Just do so with an open heart and mind and an openness to what input others have (from all perspectives). I think that is a better description of being "born again" anyway... not the usual meaning."  

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Comment from my friend Joyce: "It's not easy. Sometimes there are no answers, but I still believe God is love and loves each and every one of us."

Reply by Drew: "I believe that God is present and undeniable. I just try not to define it beyond that... Just posting as an affirmation of belief."

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Comment from my friend Brandon: "The summation of my beliefs resulting from my experiences as an open-minded lover of all: There is nothing that is not God."

Lessons from the Pit

The Spirit whispers to me in my agony:

"Do not seek after only good days my child,

you do not learn what you need from them.

Do not rely on the lovely and light and pleasant,

they will just as soon float away when trouble comes.

When that time of trouble comes...embrace it.

Hold it close to you and behold it intently.
Do not scorn its presence.

For when one is without,

THAT is the time when one realizes the need.

THAT is when true appreciation comes...

When there is a lack,
THAT is when one realizes how much is left.

THAT is when Gratitude sets in...

Health and Youth are but fleeting things.
Strength and Happiness are qualities that waft away.
Weakness and Sadness seep deep into the bones.
They hang there and develop the true sort of strength

And a true sort of Joy.
The kind that physical circumstance cannot take away.

Cry out.

Yes, cry out to God.

Though God may seem far off at the time.

The One Who Understands is much nearer than you suppose."

In that cry of desperation,

My God My God, why have you forsaken me?
When I am at my lowest,
That is when I start to look up

And see what has been there all along.
That's when I peer inside
And see who I really am.

I run to hide under Your Wings.

You take me in like a Mother Hen.
I find solace in Your Arms.
You will never let me fall to the point of ruin.

Nothing is beyond repair in Your Hands.

I lift my hands that once were fists

That once beat my breast in sorrow.
I lift them high in praise and thankfulness.

I open them to receive the Grace You have for me.

After the suffering, I have new eyes to see the world around me.
My heart is softened, I am no longer blind to others' pain.

My heart is also enlarged, I can carry more after You have lifted my burden.
My hands seek to do the work to love others as You have so Loved me.

Life is like riding a bicycle

"Life is like riding a bicycle: to keep your balance, you must keep moving."

I loved this when I saw it this weekend on a trip with my mom and some other ladies in Berlin, OH (Amish country).

There are times in my life, when I need my training wheels, when I need someone, God, a friend, a family member to hold me up and keep me balanced.  But when the training wheels are to come off, I need to keep moving or I will tip over.  If I'm too afraid to start, I will never get anywhere. If I'm too afraid of where I'm "supposed" to go, I'll never get there.

We all have seasons in life, and I feel like right now, I'm starting to get back my confidence and trying to not rely on the crutch of my training wheels.  In my spiritual life, I have been agonizing over my lack of prayer, my lack of discipline.  I wonder about the "right" way to do it. I worry about going the wrong direction and relying too much on my own power and getting into a accident because I went the wrong way.  I forget that the "wrong choices" can often be teaching moments and point me to turn around into the right direction.  Sure, it'd be better to avoid them, but if I'm not moving because I'm afraid to fail, I've failed before I've even started.

In a way, it's better for us to see God as a parent who wants us to always come to them in all situations like a child.  But God also wants us to be able to ride that bike without needing their hand on the back seat. To be sure, God is never far in case of trouble and to cheer us on, but perhaps we need to have more confidence in ourselves, in our God-given ability to make good choices and to do good things? This does not mean that we don't need God desperately, it just means that like recognizing a health practitioner's God-given talents to heal, perhaps we need to see those qualities in us and trust them as though they were the words of God saying, "do this," ?

So for me, right now, I'm finding this "keep moving" mantra to be very helpful. God is good about letting me know when I need to turn around or avoid a pothole or go in a different direction when we need to, it's the staying still that keeps us from moving or growing.  Or not getting back up when we do fall down.  I think that is often how our faith plays out: moving forward in confidence that God has our back as we keep going, keeping open to new directions as they present themselves and listening for God's voice if we do need to go in a different direction.

I do think it's also dangerous to be puffed up and think we are beyond God's help or guidance or rest.  This in itself is a balancing act.  Gratitude is the key: it's where we take our own efforts and bring it back to God as the source of our abilities.  When we live in gratitude and humility, it becomes less about what we are doing and how we are doing it, and more about enjoying the experience in the moment.  When I've ridden my bicycle, there are times when I'm too focused on the destination and technique and time that cause me grief and frustration, or there are those enthralling moments when the wind is in my hair and I feel free and overwhelming gratitude.  I think that latter example is how God wants us to enjoy and experience life.  Not that all is daisies, but gratitude, when it also applies to the hard stuff in life, is a powerful thing that can drastically change our outlook on a situation.  We keep moving, but we keep moving in gratitude and awareness.

Just keep moving, y'all.

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EDIT: I realize that this post is almost counter to other posts I've made and maybe swinging more on the Free Will end of things (here's another post where I talk about that paradox of being).  I'm not sure how to square these two realities: that I need God to even breathe, but I have been given Free Will too and I have a sort of power on my own, limited though it may be.  I feel right now that I'm more on the side of the pendulum that says to "move" and "act" and be confident in the abilities God already gave me.  Also, there is my relationship I have with God...I do believe that sharing life with God and recognizing the "God things" is more the point of our faith anyway.  It's not really about doing great spiritual things, it's about growing closer to the heart of the Creator of the Universe.  The action and gratitude can then come naturally out of that relationship.

Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home

I just had a wonderful weekend with some wonderful ladies in my life (including my mom!) and I referenced Richard Foster's book on Prayer.  I realized that I had referenced it quite a bit in recent posts over the past couple years, and have mentioned that I can never seem to get past the first chapter on "Simple Prayer".  While I think it's ok to be "stuck" in a phase of prayer, and indeed, as Foster says, we will probably never outgrow this type of prayer, I think using that fact as an excuse to not get through the rest of the book is doing me a disservice. :)

So going back to a long gone post, I think I shall pick up this book again and give it a go.  I will try to read a chapter every week or so and attempt to just focus on this form of prayer for the week.  And write about it!  Of course I will always come back to the beginning, but at this point in my life, I'm ready to keep moving forward.  I desire very much to start digging into spiritual disciplines!

Fourth Station of the Cross

Fourth station of the cross - Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem.

Luke 23:27-30

And there followed him a great multitude of the people and of women who were mourning and lamenting for him. But turning to them Jesus said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’ Then they will begin to say to the mountains, ‘Fall on us,’ and to the hills, ‘Cover us.’ For if they do these things when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?”

This is admittedly, one of those strange prophecy sort of things that Jesus has said in the gospel readings.  For my church's 3-hour Good Friday vigil, artists were asked to create their representation of various stations of the cross during the first 2 hours and then we placed them in the last hour.  We only read up to the first bolded part on this station.

I mean, what do you do with the rest of it?  Every depiction I found on the internet showed Jesus with his cross casually slung behind one shoulder while addressing a crowd of properly mournful women.  No artist seems to touch the rest of it.

Come on Jesus, I know you are suffering and all, but is this any time to be saying these weird future voodoo things?  These are not very comforting words!

I looked up some commentary on the verse and found some interesting thoughts, particularly on the last sentence: "For if they do these things when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?"

At first, I was led to believe that Jesus, having not sinned, is the green wood.  And him saying this is essentially saying, "If even I am being put to death, then how much more terror will come onto you sinners in due time?"

Not really satisfied with this explanation, I'm wondering if this really means, "Since I'm am with you and they are putting me to death.  How much more suffering you will experience as my followers when I am not physically with you?"  As we know, many of his early followers faced similar or even more cruel deaths at the hand of the Romans.

Or perhaps he is simply seeing the the future destruction of Jerusalem as happened in 70 AD, a mere 37 years after his death?

I don't think I can entirely unpack this passage...that's the tough mystery with these prophetic statements.  Whatever the true meaning (and there may be multiple) it is interesting that Jesus would take the time to teach women even as he is going through his own suffering and humiliation.

Easter Rose

I made this during a gathering of art friends last week.  I think I enjoy the light charcoal on dark background and may try doing a series of drawings using this sort of style.  And with the theme of rebirth, growth or resurrection out of pain or heartbreak.

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord 's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.

(Isaiah 61:1-4 ESV)

  

This was painted during Advent at a sunday service at Church of the Ascension.

Step Back From the Mirror...

Sometimes it happens:

I am standing at the mirror and get a close look at my face...

Now I don't fancy myself all that concerned about looks, but I would be lying if I said I NEVER cared...

So close to the mirror, I can see little things that bother me.  Things that might not really be that big of a deal. The problem is when I begin to fixate.  And I soon realize that I've spent way more time than I have the business to be spending on my face, perhaps even making things worse.

This carries over to other areas in my life.

I fixate on a small task at work and then realize I have no time to do the bigger things.  I fixate on a certain detail of a project and spend time meaninglessly making corrections.

This gets worse when it comes to fixating on my failures.

I focus too much on what I feel I lack instead of what I have. In my spiritual journey, I focus on the many little things I feel I should be doing.

I find that I assume God sees me the same way.  Truth is, he DOES.  But he also sees the bigger picture and is full GRACE.  God knows my shortcomings as well as the wonderful things about me...and LOVES me completely.  I fail to see this when I get so close to my crap...I really am often a bad gauge of myself.

Times like this, I really need to learn to catch myself and to step away from the mirror.

I figured this Halloween pic would be an appropriate end to this post...

Thankfulness for the Small Measure Given

In the Christian community thankfulness is just what it is anywhere else in the Christian life. Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things. We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious. We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts. How can God entrust great things to one who will not thankfully receive from Him the little things? If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is so paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

I was looking up Bonhoeffer quotes recently and came across this one.  It hit me in the stomach and took the wind out of my lungs.

I realized that my struggle to get close to God is in direct proportion to my inability to be grateful.  I am not thankful for "the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience and love" that has been given to me.  Somehow, I think that I should be further along in my spiritual life than I am...whatever that means.

I'm too fixated on my supposed destination rather than being fully in my present reality in the journey.

I have felt for the past 10 years that I'm not sure who my community is and when I think I find it, I somehow lose it.  But, there have been steadfast people throughout my life and have I really stopped to be thankful for those faithful few?  I want to be satisfied with the little I have (which is actually a lot according to Bonhoeffer).

It makes me think of communion.  We only get a small part of the bread and a little sip of the cup.  But it is Enough.  Can I trust God right now, that the small bit that I have is enough?

Bonhoeffer mentions something that Jesus talked about: the fact that one who is thankful in small things will receive the big things.  I can't put the cart before the horse.  There's a "growth" that Bonhoeffer references...I hinder God from growing my fellowship in His terms.  Jesus mentioned the mustard seed in relation to faith: it is the tiniest of seeds, but grows into a branching tree, in which birds can find their nest.

I cannot underestimate the small things in my life...they are where God wants me to grow.  Lord, help me to learn daily gratitude of the small things.

Grief in the Seasons

As summer fades into the cool crispness of fall,
I am reminded that life has its seasons too.

Fall reminds me that dying is part of life.
Certain things need to die in order for others to thrive.

The waiting is difficult,
but I know spring and new life will come again.

And if I fixate too much on spring,
I will miss out on the things that winter needs to teach.

If I worry too much about the oncoming winter,
I will not enjoy the melancholy beauty that is fall.

There is a sad/beautiful ache to grief.
It wraps my heart and hangs there for a while,
as if testing the branches of the tree that is my soul.

Time passes.
The remnants of us slowly fade.

How many more articles of clothing and kitchen utensils will I find that is yours?
Less, as the time goes.

I see the pictures of you drop off of the page,
as each new one without you is added.

Part of me is glad to not have the memories at the forefront.
Part of me grieves the willful process of forgetting the past.

Yet, I decide to unplug.
I need to let some things go.
And be ok with whether or not they return.

Now it is winter, I thought I was doing so well.
The sudden cold makes me realize how alone I am I night.
Trying to keep myself warm under the covers.

And yet, I am not truly alone.
There are many wonderful souls who stand at my side.
They help me to grow and point me toward life.

I will try again, and I will try again.
In a new place where you are not.

But not now: Now I am to find out who I really am:
Who I am will be made clear through the dead of winter.

And more importantly, WHOSE I am.
Can I trust God when he says that I am Beloved?

The pain will lessen, and my heart will thaw,
as I begin to live into that identity.

Today, I grieve.
Today, I feel the darkness.
But even winter, is just the beginning of spring.

The Offensiveness of the Cross

This piece was created in relation to this sermon: http://www.ascensionpittsburgh.org/images/music/2014_02_09_Millard.mp3

Throwing off every weight and hinderance

Usually at Lent I try to emphasize that I'd much rather add something good than take something away from my life. I've recently realized that this is a rather incomplete view of the church tradition, just as restricting one's self for the sake of restricting.

I recently read this in an Anglican Lenten devotional which references the familiar verse from Hebrews 12:

"At its heart, Lent is not about giving up some triviality for 40 days; it is about throwing off every weight and hindrance in order that we might run freely to obtain God's promises."

We are finite people with finite energy. If our focus is on one thing, that also means that our focus is NOT on another. We don't just find the extra time or extra ability to add time of devotion to our day, we half ass one thing to half ass another. We try to fit God into our lives after all the other things that take our attention and wonder why it doesn't fit.

I've come to realize also, that the things I'm holding onto are NOT healthy and do not fit into the picture of who I or my Heavenly Father wants me to be.  I'm busy stubbornly raking through muck and straw rather than striving for a crown (referencing Christina in Pilgrim's Progress witnessing the man with the muck rake).

"A man who could look no way but downward with the muck-rake in his hands;
who would neither look up nor regard the crown he was offered." - Pilgrim's Progress

This Lent, I'm giving up the temporary pleasure of games and extraneous internet use. This is really hard for me, because I'm surrounded by it every day at work. Instead, I hope to focus on the work at hand and to add more helpful and productive things like taking walks or talking to my coworkers when I need a break. I hope to read more in the evening and spend time being with housemates and friends. I hope to spent 20 minutes a day in quiet and remember that I am Beloved.

I'm giving up, so I'm free to run towards the things that give me LIFE. What will you give up for this season of Lent?

A light shines in the darkness

"A light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

A Word for those who need something to hold onto.

A Word that brings Hope to the hopeless.

A Word that alludes to the "here, but not yet".

A Word that defies the odds and looks to the day when a single flame will become a blazing fire - the Holy Spirit covering the entire earth.

Surprised by Hope - Ch. 1 - All Dressed Up and No Place To Go?

I'm finally starting to read N.T. Wright's Surprised By Hope and it's a pretty good read so far.  It addresses the disconnect I have often and more increasingly felt with "typical" Christian belief in life after death and the present time and reality of the world we live in.  We seem to throw away the created world in preference for a future ether-like existence.

Mr. Wright sums up this fracturing of "this world" and "the world to come" in his first chapter after describing 5 distinct pictures of death (emphasis mine):

This book addresses two questions that have often been dealt with entirely separately but that, I passionately believe, belong tightly together. First, what is the ultimate Christian hope? Second, what hope is there for change, rescue, transformation, new possibilities within the world in the present? And the main answer can be put like this.  As long as we see Christian hope in terms of "going to heaven," of a salvation that is essentially away from this world, the two questions are bound to appear unrelated. Indeed, some insist angrily that to ask the second at all is to ignore the first one, which is really the important one.  This in turn make some others angry when people talk of resurrection, as if this might draw attention away from the really important and pressing matters of contemporary social concern. But if the Christian Hope is for God's new creation, for "new heavens and new earth," and if that hope has already come to life in Jesus of Nazareth, then there is every reason to join the two questions together.  And if that is so, we find that answering one is also answering the other.  I find that to many-not least, many Christians-all this comes as a surprise: both that the Christian Hope is surprisingly different from what they had assumed and that this same hope offers a coherent and energizing basis for work in today's world.

Yes, it seems as though us Christians, as well as our non-Christian brothers and sisters around us seem to be fairly confused over what it is that we believe about heaven and what it means to the here and now.  Is this current life just a stepping ground to next? Is this present life all there is? Or is the answer something that puts "here and now" and the future on the same level of importance and marries them together in a way that should have never been separated?

Gotta Prioritze

You can't fit in the more important stuff after you filled your life with the less important filler.

This image of a jar with rocks, pebbles and sand came to mind to me this morning.  I realized that part of why I've been feeling so "off" lately is because I'm not learning to appropriately prioritize the things in my life.  It's not that the important things aren't valuable to me, but I just end up putting silly little things first and can't fit the big things into my day.

This is particularly the case in my walk with God.  I notice it especially at night when I should be going to sleep.  I would say protecting time to meditate on God's goodness as well as rest and sleep for my body should be considered "large rocks".  Instead I would spend too much time putzing around on the internet and going from video to video...further stimulating my overworked brain and making it harder to sleep.

I hope to reverse this and start to put the "big rocks" ahead of anything else.  What are the big rocks in your life that you are (inadvertently or otherwise) replacing with sand?

Writing big blog posts vs Keep it simple!

So, it's been a while since my last post.  I've had plenty going on in my life lately.  In October, I started an intensive "cohort" with my boyfriend and  The House of Saint Michael the Archangel (whew...mouthful!).  We are reading through the early church fathers, many whom chose the life of a desert solitary.  It's been interesting reading the perspective of one whose context is so vastly different from mine, and yet, finding a ton of good applicable stuff for my own life.  We meet every other month to discuss the readings.

I had this new post in my drafts since October.  I was going to post about our second reading of Evagrios the Solitary, but then time passed and we now had our 2nd meeting and have moved on to our 3rd set of readings.  I realized that I might have put too much pressure on myself to write about things in a fairly academic and well-crafted way.  This might be a mistake, because I will sit on big writing projects instead of actually doing them.  From now on, I will commit to write what I'm inspired to write.  If I need more time to post something more detailed I need to figure out how to do it in bite-sized pieces and not feel like I have to have a thesis paper every time I write and post.

Actually this fits well with where I'm at with my faith.  It's a vicious cycle, and it goes something like this:  I get in a slump and at some point I realize how blind and lost I have been.  I turn back to God and renew my commitment to spending time with Him.  I set up devotionals and books and other things.  Aaaaand then I fail to follow through because I made it way more complicated then it needs to be.  And the process repeats...so much that each time feels even worse...it's hard to believe that God is the Father in the Prodigal Son story if the son KEEPS ON doing the same thing over and over and over again.

The problem, is that I'm making it about ME and how I can "pull myself up" on my own power.  Of course I'm going to fail, I fail at the gate because I'm trusting more in myself than the One who can actually bring changes to my heart.  The sermon this past Sunday at Church of the Ascension really brought this home to me: Yes, prepare the way for the Lord (which means prepare your heart)...however I need Christ even to level and fill in the bumps and crevices of my own heart before the Spirit can enter into it.  I need God all the time, not just when I "can't handle it myself".  I can't handle it, period.

The second problem, is that I somehow think change can happen overnight.  This is definitely not how heart-changes work.  I get so impatient with myself when I don't get things right away.  I need to be more patient with myself.  I also need to perhaps not set myself up for failure by thinking I need to do ALL the things in order to get in a relationship with God.  I need to focus on the small things: 5 minutes of intentional silence before God, saying a quick prayer when I feel tension at work, smiling at a homeless person instead of ignoring them, a small thank you before a meal, making sure I get sleep and rest so I am awake enough to go through my day and be a healthy person.

Basically, I need to do really the bare minimum with the hope that God will follow through and make the path straight so that Christ can help me with all the rest.  It starts here and if I try to jump ahead to the "next level of enlightenment" it's not going to work.  As I mentioned before, Richard Foster in his book on Prayer explains that Simple Prayer is the kind of prayer that everyone needs, no matter how far down the spiritual path they have walked.  To deny that basic, primal spiritual need for God is to deny the whole thing.  No one is beyond the simple stuff.  Indeed, I am starting to believe more and more that simple things are really what our faith journey is about.

Ok, so this blog didn't end up simple, but I had to start that way. :) Just like how God came to earth in such a simple state.  A child.  I need to likewise, become a child, in order to more fully receive Him.

Help My Unbelief

So I haven't really started the reading yet (go me!), but I have been doing some evening devotionals and I really like this prayer:

Lord, You have always given
bread for the coming day;
and though I am poor,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
strength for the coming day;
and though I am weak,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
peace for the coming day;
and though of anxious heart,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
me safe in trials;
and now, tried as I am,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
the road for the coming day;
and though it may be hidden,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
this darkness of mine;
and though the night is here,
today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
when time was ripe;
and though you be silent now,
today I believe.

I've realized that while one can get bored with the repetition of the same prayer each night...and it's easy to just breeze over it without thinking, there's actually enough here to see something new each time.  Certain parts of the prayer stick out to me each time I read it.

It's also a really honest prayer.  In essence, it says: God, I know you are strong and faithful and have everything good in mind.  But I'm struggling in this part of my life right now.  There I said it.  Now I will say I believe it, even though my heart isn't all there.  In saying it, I hope that you will help me to actually believe it. (TNV- Tricia's Not-so-condensed Version)

This brings to mind the father of the demon-possessed boy in the book of Mark who after Jesus reprimands him for his "IF you can do this" request, cries, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

Oh Lord, I believe... Help my unbelief!  This is what I believe this prayer says in its subtext.  I think in general, we should be more bold and more honest in our prayers.  This is a good start.

Reading Books, Posting my Thoughts

I tend to need a focus for my writings/projects/whatnot, so I think I'm going to do what I did for my posts on Abba's Child and kind of write my way through a couple of books I've been reading (with varied success).

Here are the books I've been trying to read for the past year/half year...all are excellent, but I just haven't been very consistent:

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp


An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith by Barbara Brown Taylor


Prayer by Richard Foster

I'm not sure if I'll try to go straight through one at a time or if I'll try to peruse all three in different spurts, but as long as I record my thoughts here, I should be able to keep track of where I'm at.  By next week you'll find out what I've decided to pursue. :)

Running the Race

I've been training for my first Triathlon sprint, or as I like to call it, a half triathon. That's a 600m swim, 20k (13mi) bike ride, and a 5k run, in that order.  Swimming and biking, I feel pretty comfortable and confident in my ability and endurance.  It is the running where I lack.  I used to joke that the only way I would run is if a) I was running to first base in softball, b) I was running to catch a bus, or c) I was running away from something with sharp teeth.

Running does not come naturally to me.  That's why it's a great metaphor for my struggle with faith. In fact, Paul used the idea of running a race in his letter to the Corinthians:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." (1 Corinthians 9:24-27 ESV)

Paul is right that running and the spiritual life is a discipline.  Right now, my spiritual life DOES feel like I'm "beating the air".  But, I have a few things to add from my limited experience...a few things I've learned about running:

1. You can't improve overnight.

I know that's probably obvious, but sometimes my expectations for myself are unrealistically high. The same could be said with my spiritual life, it's a slow process.  Which leads to my next part...

2. You CAN overdo it.

Last year, I was training improperly and did too much too soon. I injured my foot and was out of commission for a while. I missed out on the Tri last year as a result.  I think one can overdo spiritual disciplines too.  Richard Foster speaks of this in his book on Prayer:

“Some people work at the business of praying with such intensity that they get spiritual indigestion. There is a principle of progression in the spiritual life. We do not take occasional joggers and put them in a marathon race, and we must not do that with prayer, either. The desert mothers and fathers spoke of the sin of “spiritual greed,” that is, wanting more of God than can properly be digested.”

It takes time. And patience for the process.  There are no shortcuts for both distance running and the spiritual race.

3. There will be mistakes and there will be setbacks.
And getting back up is the hardest part.

JUST when I started feeling comfortable and confident about my running, this past week, I injured my quad, and then (due to overcompensation) my knee while playing softball. I realized that even though I may be fine doing a sport that has more potential for injury, I probably should not have risked it the week of my first 5k (which I had to miss).  I'm resting it now in preparation for my week-long bike trip to DC this weekend.

Battle scars: I had problems with my knee caps going out of place in high school. 

I had corrective surgery on each knee to prevent that from happening. 

You can see the right knee was a little swollen from my recent injury.

For all the mistakes I have made, there was also a lot outside of my control. I played softball for 6 years growing up, and it so happened in 9th grade I started to experience knee cap dislocations...because of my particular anatomy.

I've found that I tend to beat myself up over these things rather than see it as a chance to slow down, heal, learn from the situation and be grateful that it wasn't worse.  I get demoralized, getting caught in the mind trap that I can't escape from my mistakes, so why bother starting yet again?

The same actually applies to my faith.  I mess up. Sometimes I avoid prayer like I avoid replying to an email because I'm ashamed I waited so long to reply already.  It can be a vicious cycle.

The trick, I think, is to slow down enough to see the issue, then actually have the courage to do the next right thing to work myself out of it.  And not put the cart before the horse.  There is no short cut to healing (see point #1).

More than that, I need to put my issue into perspective.  That might mean seeing a doc about my knee (which I did today), or for faith matters, stopping to remember what I know about God.  I often revert back to my view of God as a overly critical sort, nitpicking over every mistake I make (which makes me want to hide from Him).  Not so. God is actually the loving Abba/Father who runs out to welcome me back home.  The Master physician who heals not just my physical wounds, but the wounds of my heart and spirit.  If I really believed that, perhaps I could actually let that healing power into my life.  Or see where it's taking place already.

Getting back up is the hardest part, but getting back up again is what we do as Christians. It's not about a one-time healing and now you should be fine for the rest of your life. It's a constant coming back, starting over, remembering how God has been faithful in the past, realizing that He remains Faithful.  Sinking back into His arms like a child coming to her parents.

4. It's about the Experience rather than the achievements. It's about the Relationship, rather than the disciplines. In terms of God, it's not really about you and what YOU can do.

In the end, I truly believe it's not going to matter how many Ironman competitions I won or lost.  It's about my experience of the world, and whether I learned to love others, myself and God more than I did before.  It's about the connections and allowing those connections to shape me.  My faith is not about getting things right, but forming a relationship with my Creator, who knows me better than I know myself, Christ, who understands my shortcomings, and the Spirit, whose deep Love can transform me into more of who I'm meant to be.

To sum up, here's another great quote from Richard Foster on Prayer:

“In the beginning we are indeed the subject and the center of our prayers. But in God’s time and in God’s way a Copernican revolution takes place in our heart. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, there is a shift in our center of gravity. We pass from thinking of God as part of our life to the realization that we are part of his life. Wondrously and mysteriously God moves from the periphery of our prayer experience to the center. A conversion of the heart takes place, a transformation of the spirit.”

So yes Paul, I want to win the race, but in order to win the race, I can't focus so much on my goal of "winning" that I fail to see the lesson, the love, the road that is right in front of me.  I race to win, but I truly believe that if I'm focusing on that next step or that little bit that God reveals of Himself, one day I will suddenly see that I had crossed the finish line.