Lessons from the Pit

The Spirit whispers to me in my agony:

"Do not seek after only good days my child,

you do not learn what you need from them.

Do not rely on the lovely and light and pleasant,

they will just as soon float away when trouble comes.

When that time of trouble comes...embrace it.

Hold it close to you and behold it intently.
Do not scorn its presence.

For when one is without,

THAT is the time when one realizes the need.

THAT is when true appreciation comes...

When there is a lack,
THAT is when one realizes how much is left.

THAT is when Gratitude sets in...

Health and Youth are but fleeting things.
Strength and Happiness are qualities that waft away.
Weakness and Sadness seep deep into the bones.
They hang there and develop the true sort of strength

And a true sort of Joy.
The kind that physical circumstance cannot take away.

Cry out.

Yes, cry out to God.

Though God may seem far off at the time.

The One Who Understands is much nearer than you suppose."

In that cry of desperation,

My God My God, why have you forsaken me?
When I am at my lowest,
That is when I start to look up

And see what has been there all along.
That's when I peer inside
And see who I really am.

I run to hide under Your Wings.

You take me in like a Mother Hen.
I find solace in Your Arms.
You will never let me fall to the point of ruin.

Nothing is beyond repair in Your Hands.

I lift my hands that once were fists

That once beat my breast in sorrow.
I lift them high in praise and thankfulness.

I open them to receive the Grace You have for me.

After the suffering, I have new eyes to see the world around me.
My heart is softened, I am no longer blind to others' pain.

My heart is also enlarged, I can carry more after You have lifted my burden.
My hands seek to do the work to love others as You have so Loved me.

De-Winterizing the Heart

I start to peel back the plastic and adhesive

that clung tightly to my windows this winter.

The sound of it pulling off of the frame is

as satisfying as the sound of popping bubble wrap.

It is like pulling off a bandaid after the wound heals:

It is Spring, and I no longer need the protection.

While I know there may be some cold snaps yet,

I do not fear the chill as I might have months ago.

My body is acclimating to this new state of being,

I am stronger from the winter solace.

It is Spring, and warmth is coming soon.

I crack open the window and a cool pleasant breeze

flows into the room, refreshing the staleness.

I hear birds chirping and see the brilliant sun setting

over the beautiful city skyline I call home.

It is Spring, and I feel the hope in the air.

Step Back From the Mirror...

Sometimes it happens:

I am standing at the mirror and get a close look at my face...

Now I don't fancy myself all that concerned about looks, but I would be lying if I said I NEVER cared...

So close to the mirror, I can see little things that bother me.  Things that might not really be that big of a deal. The problem is when I begin to fixate.  And I soon realize that I've spent way more time than I have the business to be spending on my face, perhaps even making things worse.

This carries over to other areas in my life.

I fixate on a small task at work and then realize I have no time to do the bigger things.  I fixate on a certain detail of a project and spend time meaninglessly making corrections.

This gets worse when it comes to fixating on my failures.

I focus too much on what I feel I lack instead of what I have. In my spiritual journey, I focus on the many little things I feel I should be doing.

I find that I assume God sees me the same way.  Truth is, he DOES.  But he also sees the bigger picture and is full GRACE.  God knows my shortcomings as well as the wonderful things about me...and LOVES me completely.  I fail to see this when I get so close to my crap...I really am often a bad gauge of myself.

Times like this, I really need to learn to catch myself and to step away from the mirror.

I figured this Halloween pic would be an appropriate end to this post...

Grief in the Seasons

As summer fades into the cool crispness of fall,
I am reminded that life has its seasons too.

Fall reminds me that dying is part of life.
Certain things need to die in order for others to thrive.

The waiting is difficult,
but I know spring and new life will come again.

And if I fixate too much on spring,
I will miss out on the things that winter needs to teach.

If I worry too much about the oncoming winter,
I will not enjoy the melancholy beauty that is fall.

There is a sad/beautiful ache to grief.
It wraps my heart and hangs there for a while,
as if testing the branches of the tree that is my soul.

Time passes.
The remnants of us slowly fade.

How many more articles of clothing and kitchen utensils will I find that is yours?
Less, as the time goes.

I see the pictures of you drop off of the page,
as each new one without you is added.

Part of me is glad to not have the memories at the forefront.
Part of me grieves the willful process of forgetting the past.

Yet, I decide to unplug.
I need to let some things go.
And be ok with whether or not they return.

Now it is winter, I thought I was doing so well.
The sudden cold makes me realize how alone I am I night.
Trying to keep myself warm under the covers.

And yet, I am not truly alone.
There are many wonderful souls who stand at my side.
They help me to grow and point me toward life.

I will try again, and I will try again.
In a new place where you are not.

But not now: Now I am to find out who I really am:
Who I am will be made clear through the dead of winter.

And more importantly, WHOSE I am.
Can I trust God when he says that I am Beloved?

The pain will lessen, and my heart will thaw,
as I begin to live into that identity.

Today, I grieve.
Today, I feel the darkness.
But even winter, is just the beginning of spring.

Gotta Prioritze

You can't fit in the more important stuff after you filled your life with the less important filler.

This image of a jar with rocks, pebbles and sand came to mind to me this morning.  I realized that part of why I've been feeling so "off" lately is because I'm not learning to appropriately prioritize the things in my life.  It's not that the important things aren't valuable to me, but I just end up putting silly little things first and can't fit the big things into my day.

This is particularly the case in my walk with God.  I notice it especially at night when I should be going to sleep.  I would say protecting time to meditate on God's goodness as well as rest and sleep for my body should be considered "large rocks".  Instead I would spend too much time putzing around on the internet and going from video to video...further stimulating my overworked brain and making it harder to sleep.

I hope to reverse this and start to put the "big rocks" ahead of anything else.  What are the big rocks in your life that you are (inadvertently or otherwise) replacing with sand?

Now I'm ready to start...?

(not referencing an Arcade Fire song, but it's kind of appropriate)

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have hang-ups with my relationship with God.  I have been experiencing the start-stop faith experience, meaning I have been gungho for Jesus one day and not thinking about "God stuff" at all for the next 5 days.  Even though I'm sure this is a common problem to most people of faith, I've been trying to understand why that is.

Part of it may be that I DO think I need to be completely together in order to pray or enter into a communion with God.  This is false.  Whatever faults I have, Christ has covered that over.  All I need to do is come near.

However, I feel like that might be merely a symptom of a larger issue...  And I'm still trying to zero in on it.

I have never really been good at starting things.  Whether it's that next project or cleaning my room.  Sometimes starting is the hardest part.  In these cases, I think I hesitate to start because I know that if I start, I'm going to go all the way.  Once I start, I get pulled into the task and I can't concentrate on anything else.  Hyper-focused one track mind.

This is even with good things, like deepening faith.  If I know it's good, then why would I shy away from it?  Why would I not let my natural process take over and delve in head first?

I guess the larger part of the problem, maybe even the source, is that I'm afraid of letting go and letting God take over.  If the ultimate in faith is to pray, "Thy Will be done," then I guess that's what I'm afraid of.  Even though I believe it will be ultimately GOOD, I hesitate to truly pray that prayer.

Why?  I guess because I fear giving up my facade of control.  I know I'm really not in control, but I'm still going to grasp onto what control I perceive I might have.  And when I go gungho over a project or cleaning every crack and corner of my kitchen, I still have "control".  It's giving up that control to a Being that I cannot see that is scary and to be honest, strange.

That's another aspect of why it's hard to trust God:  as simple as it sounds, I cannot tangibly see God.  It's hard to put your trust in something unseen, but hey, that's the definition of faith right?  What I do see are the affects of "the ultimate good" of God: how God works in other people and in circumstances.  I have read and believed about how God has worked through people in history. And really, I think there may be subtle changes in my own heart, despite my inability to recognize where I end and God's Spirit begins.  I feel like even in this point where I have difficulty seeing God in sharp relief, God is still there in the background working on me, even in this desert-land where I sometimes question the realness of God.

And I'm not unaware of what Christ calls us to as followers.  It's not a comfortable life.  It's often full of trouble and trials and suffering.  It's not really that attractive in many ways, but it IS compelling.  Learning "the secret of being content in any and every situation."

Perhaps the remedy to this is to surround myself with people who remind me that God is real and that God is working for the good? I also remain watching for where "my greatest passion meets with the worlds greatest need."  It is in throwing myself into service that I feel like perhaps I can begin to see the God-image in others and therefore, start to actually form a picture of God.  And I don't need to be so hard on myself.

Along with the feeling like I need to have things completely together before I start, I often feel tired of the start-stop thing.  I think, oh maybe God is going to get tired of me continuing to fail and falter...  As if He's going to say, "Oh look who decided to finally come home again..."  No, this is also false.  No matter how many time I turn aside, EVERY TIME I come back is like the prodigal son returning home.  My Father rushes out, to the point of humiliating himself, in order to welcome me back.  Every time.

In Foster's book on Prayer, he reminds us that "sometimes Simple Prayer is called the Prayer of Beginning Again."  So we begin again, and again, and again.  If I'm too afraid to start because I know I'll fail at some point along the way, I'm never going to move!

So yes, I'm ready to start, again.  And later on, I will also be ready to start, yet again.

Unintentionality is the death of the soul

In my last post, I talked about how even religion got in the way of my faith.  ("Religion" in the "I-read-my-bible-and-go-to-church-and-do-the-whole-checklist" sense.)  Note that it's been half a month since my last post!  I think it's busy-ness in general that really suffocates my spirit's ability to breathe, whether I'm filling my days with religious OR secular activities.

When I pack my schedule so tight that I can't even have 5 minutes of quiet, I do my soul and body a disservice.  I sacrifice sleep time.  My brain cannot shut down.  How do I have time to think about things like God, let alone stop to just BE with God?  Even if I didn't believe in God's existence, I still believe that not taking this time to be quiet would in effect emasculate my essence from myself.  This quiet time truly helps me to find my place (and peace) in the world.

Ok.  So I loosen up my schedule.  I make it less crazy. I actually have spaces of 15 minutes of breathing room in between my activities. I'm good now, right?

WRONG.  The way I work at least, I find that even while I have spaces of unscheduled activity, I fill it, but not with the quiet that I was hoping for.  Even worse, I fill it with meaningless activity that does not feed my body or soul or mind. My brain is still on "hyper mode".  I find that in my attempt to build in places of rest, I actually use this free time to languish on silly things....that then spill over into my scheduled busy-ness and often take over my day, leaving me wondering what the heck I did all day.

I need to actually be INTENTIONAL about building in quiet space into my day.  Being quiet is actually a form of discipline to me.  To sit and meditate and not let my brain go a hundred miles per hour, takes quite a bit of effort.

So why don't I do something?  Even something small to start?  Running a marathon takes time to build into...why wouldn't the spiritual life take this sort of slow progress as well?  Well for one, I have a really hard time doing things that I can't do naturally right away.  Another, which I'll expand upon in the next post (which will hopefully occur sooner than a month from now) is that it's difficult to even start, because I have hang-ups on entering into a relationship with God. Basically, I fear that I won't able to control what I'll become if God gets a hold of me.

Yet another is that part of these hang ups include breaking apart my old notions of who God is, and while I did say that religion can get in the way of faith, it is also possible to go the other way and have a lack of traditional religious activities from which to grow.  I think my rejection of religion in favor of faith might have thrown the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.  If I'm sure that God is not the being I had constructed in my head over the years, and I'm NOT taking time to be quiet, while also NOT spending time with people and Bibles, and other books to help my brain process this, then I'm not helping my progress in finding out who God really is anyway, am I?

Along with the previous thought, I believe currently that I am in a state of chaos.  Changes are happening: roommates are moving; I'm thinking of moving; I have more responsibility at work; my brain is in chaos and maybe I need to find a counselor.  I feel like I have not really had much constancy in my recent years...I've been attempting to find some stability in relationships that help me to grow spiritually and otherwise.  I will break this down more in future post, but suffice it to say, I think I need a small group or a few constant friends that I can check in with and talk about faith matters openly.  Right now, I feel like a ship without a Captain or crew and I need to find this crew that I can trust.

All of this will take intentionality.  I think I will start right now by leaving 5 minutes at the beginning of my day to just sit and meditate.  Acknowledge God, in whatever form God might be, and be thankful for another day to live in this strange and wonderful world.

Death of religion...birth of faith

I feel that in my process of coming to know Christ, I need to put my own religion to death.

When I define religion for myself, it's that particular view of God you develop very early on, from your parents, from your own view of yourself and the world, and from the culture in which you find yourself.  For better or for worse.

I guess before I saw God as a disapproving type.  Kind of like my dad.  With high, unrealistic standards.  One who is keeping close track of how much you pray to him or do the right things (or wrong things).  Sure I know God loves me too, but I didn't realize that HIS love is quite different from the love I understand as a human.

As I moved into college, my mind was introduced to a God who IS pure Love.  I read books like Abba's Child, where I see myself called His "beloved".  My old image of God was beginning to break apart, and that was a good thing.

However, I think God knew that I still had other preconceived notions about our relationship that needed to be dealt with before I could grow even closer to God. That I may have had the "head knowledge," but it hadn't migrated down to my heart. Maybe I'll expound on that in another post but let's just say that the past 5-6 years has been constituted of several "little deaths" in which I find myself broken, emptied and much in need of God's presence. Not hymns and prayers and bible studies (although one can certainly find God in those disciplines) but simply the awareness of God's very real being. Instead of finding space to let God fill the void, I'd been filling it with everything but: including religion. Please note again that I'm not saying we should not go to worship or read the bible or even pray, but I think that sometimes even our religion can get in the way of our growth in faith. And we have to acknowledge this when this happens...so we can stop and be still, and "know that The Lord is God"

I can't do this alone...part of this for me is realizing that I need other people to point me in the right direction and remind me of these simple truths. I truly believe that faith doesn't happen in a vacuum. But I first have to pull the trigger. God does not force His way into us. I daily have to let Him put my self to death so that I can be renewed in him.

More on on the specifics of this in my next post.

Wanderings of the Soul - new(old) blog focus

While I have not been writing in my blog lately but I've found that the purpose of my blog has morphed over the years.  It used to be a run-of-the-mill write-about-everything sort of blog, then in 2010 I repurposed it for my Pic-a-day project.  It has since gone back to the underutilized multi-purpose blog with which I began.

One of the main topics I keep coming back to is my faith.  My messy, not-so-fleshed-out at times, sporadic, sometimes inspired but deeply important to me, faith or relationship with God.  Some of these writings have been very important to my processing of life events and how my faith plays into the grand scheme of my existence.  So I think I'm going to focus now on my faith journey and write about what I'm processing at the moment.

I understand not everyone prescribes to my kind of faith or even any faith, so if that is you, please know that I may be talking in a language that does not make sense to you.  I'm creating this space to help affirm my own spiritual wanderings and to actively discover and ask and listen and stretch and grow.  I welcome any honest questions as I believe they are all part of the process and journey, but please know that I'm likely not going to change my overall standpoint on where I think I should be with this...just as I would not try to throw my way of thinking on to you!  Please read with a grain of salt, and I hope there is some intersection of understanding where we can connect and relate.

I have been going through a bit of a spiritual desert land.  I mean, it's been filled with many great faith-filled people and events, but in my everyday life, it has reached this sort of staleness.  Part of it may be self-inflicted, but part of it is a serious bit of questioning what I had previously assumed and really, it's just that the mechanics of it have fallen apart for me.  It's hard to pray.  I'm scared to ask for God's will since I don't know that I'd be willing to go there and "give up" my facade of control.  And yeah, I'm not really sure what to think about "God's Will" either (who really does?). :)  I've never really doubted the existence of God, but I have doubted God's presence.  I want to know in my head AND heart God exists and is fully present.  Right here.

So here it goes.  To keep a sort of standard, I'm going to try to write here 1-2 times a week, more if I'm feeling particularly motivated.  Why write in a public blog as opposed to a private journal?  Well frankly it's because of the accountability part.  Even if no one reads this, the fact that it's in the public eye, will help me to keep pushing forward.  If other people are struggling in similar ways, it would be really comforting to get some feedback and encouragement...and maybe it will help you too!

The only path forward is straight through the tough bits... they are what make us stronger in the end.

It is enough

I feel like I go big or go home with my faith.  As if the little bits of truth aren't enough.

I write big things on my blog of real profound truths that I discover...only to fall on my face the very next day.

I think the point is to get up and keep going, not lay back down just because I didn't "get it" this time.

I need to see the LITTLE thing that God has for me today and be satisfied with it.  My daily bread is enough.

I need to learn to take it in steps.  Kind of like my friend Emma and her physical healing.  My spiritual healing is a slow process that should not be rushed.

I need to leave quiet space in my life in order to hear what the Holy One is saying.  To hear the Voice say, "you are beloved, I AM enough."

Finding God in the Everyday

God was up to something this weekend.

Not that he ever ISN'T but this was one of those times where I was actually somewhat cognizant of just what God was up to.

Only a few days ago, I had written about how I felt my soul has been cryonically frozen. It seems like God decided to start the thawing process sooner than expected.

Friday, I went to a MuteMath concert and if you aren't familiar, go check them out...they are an amazing group of musicians. I talked to a girl in between the opener and the main act about my favorite song on the newest album. Mine was the last one, which was about (in my interpretation) how we who grow up in religious households often lose the faith of our childhoods, but don't worry, "we can get it back."

After the concert, I had a conversation with my friend about life and faith. I shared with him my struggle of the past few years to see how God is working in my everyday life.

Today I went back to my former church, Hot Metal because Catalyst was off for the weekend. This was cool on several levels: it was nice to be back after a long hiatus, and it so happened that a woman named Emma, who my church has been praying for healing for the past 4 years, shared some words with us today.

The brief story on Emma: we were on a mission trip in Mexico in 2008 and she had a terrible accident that caused her to flip backwards out of a cattle truck. She miraculously survived, but has been plagued for the past 4 years by constant searing headaches. She recently had brain surgery to hopefully finally rectify what was wrong with her head.

Her talk explained how she was grateful for the continuing miracle of the surgery and hopeful recovery (she's not out of the woods yet - it's a slow process), but she mentioned that part of what she was learning was that God showed her blessing both through the valleys and the high times. Her worry was that in yearning for a better day later she was missing how God was in her life in the present suffering. She quoted Chardin as saying:

"...in all these dark moments, O God, grant that I may understand that it is You (provided only my faith is strong enough) who is painfully parting the fibers of my being in order to penetrate to the very marrow of my substance and bear me away within yourself."

I was very affected by her words and how they connected to the message in the book of Job that morning: "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

Later that afternoon, as I was sitting in my car listening to the rain hit the roof, I felt compelled to reread the first chapters of Richard Foster's book on Prayer. I have been at a point for a few years now where I struggle with even being able to pray (so I've only gotten through the first chapters).

I hit this passage (it's too poignant to not include the whole thing):

"How do we practice Simple Prayer? What do we do? Where do we begin? Very simply, we begin right where we are: in our families, on our jobs, with our neighbors and friends. Now, I wish this did not sound so trivial, because, on the practical level of knowing God, it is the most profound truth we will ever hear. To believe that God can reach us and bless us in the ordinary junctures of daily life is the stuff of prayer. We want to throw this away, so hard is it for us to believe that God would enter our space. “God can't bless me here,” we moan. “When I graduate…” “When I’m the chairman of the board…” “When I’m the president of the company…” “When I’m the senior pastor…then God can bless me.” But you see, the only place God can bless us is right where we are, because that is the only place we are!
Do you remember Moses at the burning bush? God had to tell him to take off his shoes—he did not know he was on holy ground. And if we can just come to see that right where we are is holy ground---in our jobs and homes, with our co-workers and friends and families. This is where we learn to pray."

I include this because Emma made a comment talking about her struggles being "holy ground". Where we are standing right now is holy ground! If I truly start believing that, how differently I would approach my living!

And so the spiritual thaw continues... Ever so slowly, but I hope to remain patient, because as Emma said, "So much happens in the waiting." Why would I long so much for 'wholeness' that I miss how God is very real and present in my messy life right now? There's a process to go through and the only way to the other side is through it. And the important thing is that I don't miss God now. If I can't see the Holy One here and now, in the valleys and plateaus, how do I truly appreciate his presence in the high places?

Cryonic Soul Freeze

You have probably heard of the futuristic cryopreservation in various science fiction.  Essentially, freeze a body, to let it thaw at a future time when perhaps decades or generations have passed - perhaps to avoid an uninhabitable catastrophe.

While this science is far from becoming a reality, it made me wonder:  Can our souls undergo a cryonic freeze?

Instead of our body, maybe our soul can be in a state of almost being alive, barely existing, laying dormant, waiting for a better environment to thrive?

Ok Han, maybe not carbonite freezing, but you get the idea.

I kind of feel like I've been in this state for a while.  I think it was a necessary reaction to some things I've been feeling in my heart, but I'm getting tired of laying around feeling unable to move and unable to find God.  I don't know why I am stuck in this, I just am.    I hope that my time to thaw out will come soon.  Perhaps my hand is actually over the button?  Perhaps I'm afraid of the damage that will happen if I do thaw?  Perhaps I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with the world around me if I do come out of my soul freeze?

I feel like I've tried to unthaw myself, but that I keep freezing up again and again.  It's not enough.

Perhaps I'm going through this for a reason?  Maybe I will become stronger in spite of my lack of motivation to change?  Maybe I need to be just in this state of hopelessness for God to come and pull me out of it - knowing that no one, including myself, could do it better.  Just like Eustace having his dragon layers peeled off by the lion Aslan.

I cannot do this myself.

Please God, I'm waiting, I need you to get my soul of its frozen state, in spite of the pain I might feel.  Only you can do it.

My perspective on perspective....or the lack thereof

Perspective - is a peculiar thing... It changes at the slightest vantage point.

I think I should take my memories with a grain of salt - who knows if I accurately appraised the situation due to my point-of-view at the time?

When I assure myself of the certainty of what I've perceived - I then begin to see it as the only reality possible.  Sure it may be my brain's built-in self-preservation mechanism - to keep me from having to process difficult or emotionally draining information early on - but there comes a point when I need to step back and look at it again.  Maybe uncover some callouses or veils I have set up to block out any other truth?  I need to face this truth full-on, with no filters.  I must feel every effect that comes with knowing the truth - or at least as much as I can understand it.

That's part of the rub: how can I ever know the FULL reality of any given situation?  Can I crawl into the mind of anyone else other than my own?  Do I even know my own perspective all that well?  And somehow - even when directly seeing the truth - my mind and heart still dampen the blow, because it might be too hard to take unfiltered.
Still, it is important to let go of my own reality and open up to a larger truth - else I might be stuck in a fruitless and endless cycle of, "But I KNOW I am right!"

In the case of romantic relationships - the "knowing" could keep me from ever really moving on - even if the next guy is "perfect" for me.  I don't want to carry this baggage from relationship to relationship.  It's not fair to me and it's really not fair to the other person.

In a relationship, there's my perspective - then there is your perspective - our perspectives are tainted or influenced by a multitude of factors: cultural expectations, previous experience, family and friends, social status, mental health, financial security...etc.  The point of "knowing thyself" in one sense is to recognize how these factors skew one's perspective - to get down to the raw truth of the matter.

I feel I need a divine intervention to help me actually sort through all that crap.  I need to calm the other raging and competing voices that inundate my own psyche and try to discover the One that really matters.

Then there is trying to understand someone else's perspective...which is harder than figuring out our own.  We can be as open as possible and talk very frankly about our points of view, but somehow, because I did not GO through what the other person has gone through, it is hard for me to really see from their perpective.

In addition - maybe I'm not meant to know the full truth of anything - because really...can I handle the full truth?  It's like when Adam and Eve's curiosity got the best of them and they ate from the one tree (out of hundreds) which they were forbidden to eat - the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Perhaps the reason it was forbidden was because God knew we would forever try to fruitlessly understand what we are incapable of understanding?

I don't mean this as a cop-out or a way of throwing my hands up into the air saying we shouldn't strive for knowledge and understanding: it seems to be human nature to try to sidle up to things that are beyond our grasp and try to reach for them.  Which can be very good.

It's just at any given time - because we are human - we always have limitations - to our understanding - to our abilities...  Death is a particularly sober example of our limitations.

Anyway, back to the idea of perspective:  I think the essence of human existence is trying to live on that fine line between striving to understand with all of our faculties and giving up the need to know.  Once we think we have arrived at the place of understanding, that's when we need to realize, no we don't.  Look at all the places in history when people think they know it all and I'm sure you can understand the grave problem of thinking you have the right perspective.  It was bad for people like Hitler and the Grand Inquisitor and it is bad for people like you and me: We must stay ourselves from thinking we have the corner market on the truth or else bad things will happen.

When are the times to give up?  The times when holding on to my view or perspective is causing harm to myself or my relationships with others can be one rule of thumb.  Again, meditation and quieting false voices is probably a good way to recognize this.

When my brain keeps going in circles on the same topic with no real revelation...
When I cannot wrap my head around why someone made a certain decision or took a certain action...
When someone else's world view doesn't line up exactly with mine...
When instead of trying to truly understand someone else's perspective, I am rewriting their perspective from my own standpoint to make the situation more palatable...
AND when something important is at stake:  a friendship, a future relationship, my sanity...then it is time to let go of the need to understand.

Letting go can seem like voluntary amnesia - like (SPOILER) Winston at the end of 1984...it can be infuriating to have to let go (ok, that was a bad example...a BETTER one is the brilliant video game BRAID - in the end the protagonist realizes maybe his perspective wasn't exactly the whole picture --> look it up or go download and play it if you don't know what I mean).  It's like forgetting that a piece of me exists.  It's like having to mourn yet another loss.

But it is necessary.

In the end, I can't help but think that after we let go - then - maybe then - we can also get the perspective we wanted in the first place.  But not before we go through that process.  In a way - we aren't ready to understand when we are in the state of trying so hard to understand.  Surrender might be a more appropriate word - because it does feel like a defeat - until we actually begin to heal and develop new perspective on the situation.

What bigger thing am I missing out on because I'm holding on to my own narrow view?

It's time to surrender.
It's time to move on.
It's time to heal.

God help me to do so.

And I'll leave you with the very appropriate lyrics from Andrew Bird's Lazy Projector:

If memory serves us, then who owns the master
How do we know who's projecting this reel
And is it like gruel or like quick drying plaster
Tell me how long til the paint starts to peel

Is it like Pyramus or Apollo or an archer we don't know
Though history repeats itself, and time's a crooked bow
Come on tell us something we don't know

Now who's the best boy and the casting director
And the editor splicing your face from the scene
It's all in the hands of a lazy projector
That forgetting, embellishing, lying machine
That forgetting, embellishing, lying machine 

They say all good things must come to an end
Everyday the night must fall
How it all came to this, I simply can't recall
Too many cooks in the kitchen 
How the mighty must fall

But I can't see the sense in us breaking up at all
I can't see the sense in us breaking up at all 
I can't see the sense in us breaking up at all 
Breaking up at all 

And it's all in the hands of a lazy projector
That forgetting, embellishing, lying machine 

Punch in Procrastination's Face!

I finally rolled up my sleeves and slammed out a clean room within 3 or 4 hours. Take that, Lack of Motivation!

Now I just need to invite people over more often so I KEEP it this way.

Moderation? What's that??

My life has been taken over by bikes and biking events.

I've recently taken a TON of bicycling event pictures.

I noticed that in the past week, I've been neglecting my pic-a-day blog.
I haven't even taken the pictures to post.

Here's the ONE picture I took last week:


Inspiring.

This leads me to realize that my work ethic also matches my motivation in personal projects: When I go gungho over something, or overkill on a project, it is certain that there will be a long period of "slump time" to follow. This slump time often includes thoughts of, "Perhaps I should actually do something?", but often devolves to spending useless hours on the internets...

All before my next wave of motivation comes along. More like, tsunami of motivation, then an extended drought.

It kinda works in a way, but it's ultimately tiring and unsustainable.
(kind of LIKE THIS)

I hope I can somehow get to the point where I can actually do things in moderation... You know, break down projects into smaller parts and tackle them daily. Log those sales items as I go instead of wait for them to amass into a monstrosity that I try to ignore like a pink elephant. Actually take the zero extra seconds to throw the laundry into the basket instead of on the floor.

Maybe I should just embrace my way of doing things? Maybe I need to just accept that I'm like this and just go with the flow and not worry about how it ultimately gets done?

Or maybe I should go put my clean laundry away right now instead of procrastinating on the internet talking about it?

.....

Nah...

My finished tattoo

I'm not sure why this is showing up so small.

Anyway, here it is - the finished design that took 5 1/2 years from conception to completion. It may require a few more tweaks or touch ups but for all intents and purposes...it's done.

The words "Remain in my love" come from John 15 where Jesus tells his disciples that he is the vine and they are the branches.

The basic idea is to remind myself that my identity is rooted in God's love and my ability to love others stems from that First Love. Also that real love is often painful (like the tattoo itself) - that's why there are thorns - but still worth it. The wilted flower petals also remind me that I'm not supposed to have it all together, but God uses me in my weakness...and the idea that God became weak (human) to show his love for the world. I firmly believe that we relate more to each other as humans in our weakness rather than in our strength.

Two weeks until its fully healed. Thanks to Doug for his beautiful work! :)

Finishing my tattoo!

I'm finally getting around to finishing my tattoo! I got my hearts on my wrists and both feet a year and a half ago, and the heart on my right wrist was originally part of a bigger design of a flower and vine that wraps around my wrist. When it came time to get the tat, I balked at the idea of putting so much ink on myself at first, so the multiple hearts idea came to mind. Now I sometimes forget I have them!

So later on Friday I'll be heading over to Doug's shop to get it finished. The design was originally conceived back in 2005 after college...so it's about a 5 year endeavor!

I'll post the "after" pic as soon as I can get the bandage off. :)

New blog focus - (mostly) daily picture or video of the day.

I've been pretty dormant on this thing so I've decided to start a new focus on this blog. In order to get myself to snap more pictures and video, I'm going to start carrying my camera around every day and try to take something interesting, then post it here. It could be with a story or poem or just a short caption, but it's just something to make myself do daily so I can exercise the creative side of my brain.

Unfortunately, internet service seems to be currently down at my house, so I'll have to do this before or after work.

Today's picture was actually taken yesterday (so sue me):

I left work for a late lunch, and then just kept walking. I needed some time to decompress/think/pray. So I found this rock by the river and listened to the wind and watched the movement of the water. I think I actually sensed God's presence for the first time in a long while. Not just cerebrally in my head, but in my heart and spirit. It's kind of hard to describe.

I'll need to do this more often.

I need me some collaborative art/theatre/movie production!

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about how I miss collaborative creativity...

The idea of being part of something bigger than myself.

The way that every job, no matter how small, is essential to the final outcome.

The notion that I'm always more creative in a group setting, bouncing around concepts and themes off of other people rather than a blank canvas (or computer screen).

The fact that I haven't done much creative stuff lately and some of my skills are getting rusty!

The desire to learn from other people and share the work rather than taking orders or giving them.

I would love to try to get together some kind of artist collective or group project. I know many of you have had the same thoughts and we keep vaguely referencing the idea, but we never follow-through. Maybe it's about time to start! Here are some of the thoughts I have on what this group could look like:

1. We could find a time and space to meet semi-regularly just to do our own individual art/creative projects. This would be a more loosely organized meeting where we can come and go as we can, and not necessarily work on a common project, though it might provide a space where something like that may eventually occur.

2. If someone has a particular project they'd like to collaborate on, like an art piece, a movie, or strange performance art, we can focus on that and start meeting to bounce ideas and work on it.

3. Or if people aren't ready to do a group thing, I could join in on a preexisting group...work with a community theatre performance/set-building/etc...work on a movie someone's working on...do an ad hoc band for an open mic.

If any of this appeals to you, or if you know of someone who needs help with a movie or theatre thing, please let me know by commenting on this message here!

Glimpsing the good of Humanity...on a bus

I've been staying at work much later than I should lately and yesterday was no exception. I had plans to go to the Holiday Stew at the Union Project, which started at 7:00 and I left my office at 6:35 (yes I know...I should just GO HOME). I was going to be late.

So at 6:50, I arrived across the bridge at the bus stop and started looking for my bus tickets. I frantically searched my coat pockets and every crevice of my backpack as the 71A approached...and passed me by. This shouldn't be too big of a deal, but after a long day of staring at a computer screen, I was pretty drained and my emotions were a bit out of whack. (Plus, the buses do not run as often after 7:00, so that means more waiting.)

I think I was checking the lining of my coat to see if they fell through the hole in my pocket when the 71D stopped to open its door. I made a desperate motion of resignation, indicating that I didn't have a way to pay my fare (I had a 20 dollar bill, but I would rather walk than give that much).

First relief, the guy waved for me to get on the bus.

As I stammered something about needing to be on the bus that just passed, he gave me a transfer and said I could catch one up in Oakland. Second relief.

I tried to sound as grateful as I could when I thanked him and found a seat on the mostly vacant bus. I called my friend to tell her I'd be pretty late.

After a few minutes, the bus driver motioned for me to come to the front of the bus. I hung up the phone and saw the 71A looming through the front window. He said, "You'll have to rush, but you can probably make it at the next red light up here."

I thought, "yay, I might be able to catch the right bus after all!" Then the bus driver made me pause.

"Now listen, I have a daughter in college who's about 20. And after I'm done here, I'm going to go pick her up... I couldn't have left you stranded out there."

He stopped the bus, he honked his horn a couple times and before I knew it I was racing over to the 71A as the light turned green. I made it on, thanked the driver for waiting and sat down in a heap.

And started to cry.

I know, I'm a weird emotional girl sometimes, but several feelings overwhelmed me at that moment.

Gratitude, for the kind actions of a stranger.

Joy, that somehow this one small act redeemed my perception of humanity in general.

Sadness, that I often do not live to serve and see the little things I can do for the others around me.

Awe, that these events could line up to make possible what I could not achieve on my own.

Perhaps that bus driver (I didn't have time to get his name) didn't realize it, but his action and words made me have a moment to reflect and see how God is good and how He works in the events in my life...big and small. It was just what I needed at that moment...a reminder that there is something bigger at work and there are more lives to consider than my own. That bus driver wasn't just a mechanical, lifeless robot who merely transports people from place to place. He's a human being with his own joys and struggles.

Mr. 71D bus driver, I thank you for that reminder, and I hope you and your daughter enjoy a very Merry Christmas together.