Death of religion...birth of faith

I feel that in my process of coming to know Christ, I need to put my own religion to death.

When I define religion for myself, it's that particular view of God you develop very early on, from your parents, from your own view of yourself and the world, and from the culture in which you find yourself.  For better or for worse.

I guess before I saw God as a disapproving type.  Kind of like my dad.  With high, unrealistic standards.  One who is keeping close track of how much you pray to him or do the right things (or wrong things).  Sure I know God loves me too, but I didn't realize that HIS love is quite different from the love I understand as a human.

As I moved into college, my mind was introduced to a God who IS pure Love.  I read books like Abba's Child, where I see myself called His "beloved".  My old image of God was beginning to break apart, and that was a good thing.

However, I think God knew that I still had other preconceived notions about our relationship that needed to be dealt with before I could grow even closer to God. That I may have had the "head knowledge," but it hadn't migrated down to my heart. Maybe I'll expound on that in another post but let's just say that the past 5-6 years has been constituted of several "little deaths" in which I find myself broken, emptied and much in need of God's presence. Not hymns and prayers and bible studies (although one can certainly find God in those disciplines) but simply the awareness of God's very real being. Instead of finding space to let God fill the void, I'd been filling it with everything but: including religion. Please note again that I'm not saying we should not go to worship or read the bible or even pray, but I think that sometimes even our religion can get in the way of our growth in faith. And we have to acknowledge this when this happens...so we can stop and be still, and "know that The Lord is God"

I can't do this alone...part of this for me is realizing that I need other people to point me in the right direction and remind me of these simple truths. I truly believe that faith doesn't happen in a vacuum. But I first have to pull the trigger. God does not force His way into us. I daily have to let Him put my self to death so that I can be renewed in him.

More on on the specifics of this in my next post.

Wanderings of the Soul - new(old) blog focus

While I have not been writing in my blog lately but I've found that the purpose of my blog has morphed over the years.  It used to be a run-of-the-mill write-about-everything sort of blog, then in 2010 I repurposed it for my Pic-a-day project.  It has since gone back to the underutilized multi-purpose blog with which I began.

One of the main topics I keep coming back to is my faith.  My messy, not-so-fleshed-out at times, sporadic, sometimes inspired but deeply important to me, faith or relationship with God.  Some of these writings have been very important to my processing of life events and how my faith plays into the grand scheme of my existence.  So I think I'm going to focus now on my faith journey and write about what I'm processing at the moment.

I understand not everyone prescribes to my kind of faith or even any faith, so if that is you, please know that I may be talking in a language that does not make sense to you.  I'm creating this space to help affirm my own spiritual wanderings and to actively discover and ask and listen and stretch and grow.  I welcome any honest questions as I believe they are all part of the process and journey, but please know that I'm likely not going to change my overall standpoint on where I think I should be with this...just as I would not try to throw my way of thinking on to you!  Please read with a grain of salt, and I hope there is some intersection of understanding where we can connect and relate.

I have been going through a bit of a spiritual desert land.  I mean, it's been filled with many great faith-filled people and events, but in my everyday life, it has reached this sort of staleness.  Part of it may be self-inflicted, but part of it is a serious bit of questioning what I had previously assumed and really, it's just that the mechanics of it have fallen apart for me.  It's hard to pray.  I'm scared to ask for God's will since I don't know that I'd be willing to go there and "give up" my facade of control.  And yeah, I'm not really sure what to think about "God's Will" either (who really does?). :)  I've never really doubted the existence of God, but I have doubted God's presence.  I want to know in my head AND heart God exists and is fully present.  Right here.

So here it goes.  To keep a sort of standard, I'm going to try to write here 1-2 times a week, more if I'm feeling particularly motivated.  Why write in a public blog as opposed to a private journal?  Well frankly it's because of the accountability part.  Even if no one reads this, the fact that it's in the public eye, will help me to keep pushing forward.  If other people are struggling in similar ways, it would be really comforting to get some feedback and encouragement...and maybe it will help you too!

The only path forward is straight through the tough bits... they are what make us stronger in the end.

It is enough

I feel like I go big or go home with my faith.  As if the little bits of truth aren't enough.

I write big things on my blog of real profound truths that I discover...only to fall on my face the very next day.

I think the point is to get up and keep going, not lay back down just because I didn't "get it" this time.

I need to see the LITTLE thing that God has for me today and be satisfied with it.  My daily bread is enough.

I need to learn to take it in steps.  Kind of like my friend Emma and her physical healing.  My spiritual healing is a slow process that should not be rushed.

I need to leave quiet space in my life in order to hear what the Holy One is saying.  To hear the Voice say, "you are beloved, I AM enough."

Finding God in the Everyday

God was up to something this weekend.

Not that he ever ISN'T but this was one of those times where I was actually somewhat cognizant of just what God was up to.

Only a few days ago, I had written about how I felt my soul has been cryonically frozen. It seems like God decided to start the thawing process sooner than expected.

Friday, I went to a MuteMath concert and if you aren't familiar, go check them out...they are an amazing group of musicians. I talked to a girl in between the opener and the main act about my favorite song on the newest album. Mine was the last one, which was about (in my interpretation) how we who grow up in religious households often lose the faith of our childhoods, but don't worry, "we can get it back."

After the concert, I had a conversation with my friend about life and faith. I shared with him my struggle of the past few years to see how God is working in my everyday life.

Today I went back to my former church, Hot Metal because Catalyst was off for the weekend. This was cool on several levels: it was nice to be back after a long hiatus, and it so happened that a woman named Emma, who my church has been praying for healing for the past 4 years, shared some words with us today.

The brief story on Emma: we were on a mission trip in Mexico in 2008 and she had a terrible accident that caused her to flip backwards out of a cattle truck. She miraculously survived, but has been plagued for the past 4 years by constant searing headaches. She recently had brain surgery to hopefully finally rectify what was wrong with her head.

Her talk explained how she was grateful for the continuing miracle of the surgery and hopeful recovery (she's not out of the woods yet - it's a slow process), but she mentioned that part of what she was learning was that God showed her blessing both through the valleys and the high times. Her worry was that in yearning for a better day later she was missing how God was in her life in the present suffering. She quoted Chardin as saying:

"...in all these dark moments, O God, grant that I may understand that it is You (provided only my faith is strong enough) who is painfully parting the fibers of my being in order to penetrate to the very marrow of my substance and bear me away within yourself."

I was very affected by her words and how they connected to the message in the book of Job that morning: "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

Later that afternoon, as I was sitting in my car listening to the rain hit the roof, I felt compelled to reread the first chapters of Richard Foster's book on Prayer. I have been at a point for a few years now where I struggle with even being able to pray (so I've only gotten through the first chapters).

I hit this passage (it's too poignant to not include the whole thing):

"How do we practice Simple Prayer? What do we do? Where do we begin? Very simply, we begin right where we are: in our families, on our jobs, with our neighbors and friends. Now, I wish this did not sound so trivial, because, on the practical level of knowing God, it is the most profound truth we will ever hear. To believe that God can reach us and bless us in the ordinary junctures of daily life is the stuff of prayer. We want to throw this away, so hard is it for us to believe that God would enter our space. “God can't bless me here,” we moan. “When I graduate…” “When I’m the chairman of the board…” “When I’m the president of the company…” “When I’m the senior pastor…then God can bless me.” But you see, the only place God can bless us is right where we are, because that is the only place we are!
Do you remember Moses at the burning bush? God had to tell him to take off his shoes—he did not know he was on holy ground. And if we can just come to see that right where we are is holy ground---in our jobs and homes, with our co-workers and friends and families. This is where we learn to pray."

I include this because Emma made a comment talking about her struggles being "holy ground". Where we are standing right now is holy ground! If I truly start believing that, how differently I would approach my living!

And so the spiritual thaw continues... Ever so slowly, but I hope to remain patient, because as Emma said, "So much happens in the waiting." Why would I long so much for 'wholeness' that I miss how God is very real and present in my messy life right now? There's a process to go through and the only way to the other side is through it. And the important thing is that I don't miss God now. If I can't see the Holy One here and now, in the valleys and plateaus, how do I truly appreciate his presence in the high places?

Cryonic Soul Freeze

You have probably heard of the futuristic cryopreservation in various science fiction.  Essentially, freeze a body, to let it thaw at a future time when perhaps decades or generations have passed - perhaps to avoid an uninhabitable catastrophe.

While this science is far from becoming a reality, it made me wonder:  Can our souls undergo a cryonic freeze?

Instead of our body, maybe our soul can be in a state of almost being alive, barely existing, laying dormant, waiting for a better environment to thrive?

Ok Han, maybe not carbonite freezing, but you get the idea.

I kind of feel like I've been in this state for a while.  I think it was a necessary reaction to some things I've been feeling in my heart, but I'm getting tired of laying around feeling unable to move and unable to find God.  I don't know why I am stuck in this, I just am.    I hope that my time to thaw out will come soon.  Perhaps my hand is actually over the button?  Perhaps I'm afraid of the damage that will happen if I do thaw?  Perhaps I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with the world around me if I do come out of my soul freeze?

I feel like I've tried to unthaw myself, but that I keep freezing up again and again.  It's not enough.

Perhaps I'm going through this for a reason?  Maybe I will become stronger in spite of my lack of motivation to change?  Maybe I need to be just in this state of hopelessness for God to come and pull me out of it - knowing that no one, including myself, could do it better.  Just like Eustace having his dragon layers peeled off by the lion Aslan.

I cannot do this myself.

Please God, I'm waiting, I need you to get my soul of its frozen state, in spite of the pain I might feel.  Only you can do it.

Sketch for Stations of the Cross Exhibit

Awesome Possum!

My really terrible attempt at drawing an opossum... Before and after a reference photo...



Ugh, the first one looks like a rat dog...