As summer fades into the cool crispness of fall,
I am reminded that life has its seasons too.
Fall reminds me that dying is part of life.
Certain things need to die in order for others to thrive.
The waiting is difficult,
but I know spring and new life will come again.
And if I fixate too much on spring,
I will miss out on the things that winter needs to teach.
If I worry too much about the oncoming winter,
I will not enjoy the melancholy beauty that is fall.
There is a sad/beautiful ache to grief.
It wraps my heart and hangs there for a while,
as if testing the branches of the tree that is my soul.
The remnants of us slowly fade.
How many more articles of clothing and kitchen utensils will I find that is yours?
Less, as the time goes.
I see the pictures of you drop off of the page,
as each new one without you is added.
Part of me is glad to not have the memories at the forefront.
Part of me grieves the willful process of forgetting the past.
Yet, I decide to unplug.
I need to let some things go.
And be ok with whether or not they return.
Now it is winter, I thought I was doing so well.
The sudden cold makes me realize how alone I am I night.
Trying to keep myself warm under the covers.
And yet, I am not truly alone.
There are many wonderful souls who stand at my side.
They help me to grow and point me toward life.
I will try again, and I will try again.
In a new place where you are not.
But not now: Now I am to find out who I really am:
Who I am will be made clear through the dead of winter.
And more importantly, WHOSE I am.
Can I trust God when he says that I am Beloved?
The pain will lessen, and my heart will thaw,
as I begin to live into that identity.
Today, I grieve.
Today, I feel the darkness.
But even winter, is just the beginning of spring.