Tuesday, October 09, 2012

It is enough

I feel like I go big or go home with my faith.  As if the little bits of truth aren't enough.

I write big things on my blog of real profound truths that I discover...only to fall on my face the very next day.

I think the point is to get up and keep going, not lay back down just because I didn't "get it" this time.

I need to see the LITTLE thing that God has for me today and be satisfied with it.  My daily bread is enough.

I need to learn to take it in steps.  Kind of like my friend Emma and her physical healing.  My spiritual healing is a slow process that should not be rushed.

I need to leave quiet space in my life in order to hear what the Holy One is saying.  To hear the Voice say, "you are beloved, I AM enough."

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Finding God in the Everyday

God was up to something this weekend.

Not that he ever ISN'T but this was one of those times where I was actually somewhat cognizant of just what God was up to.

Only a few days ago, I had written about how I felt my soul has been cryonically frozen. It seems like God decided to start the thawing process sooner than expected.

Friday, I went to a MuteMath concert and if you aren't familiar, go check them out...they are an amazing group of musicians. I talked to a girl in between the opener and the main act about my favorite song on the newest album. Mine was the last one, which was about (in my interpretation) how we who grow up in religious households often lose the faith of our childhoods, but don't worry, "we can get it back."

After the concert, I had a conversation with my friend about life and faith. I shared with him my struggle of the past few years to see how God is working in my everyday life.

Today I went back to my former church, Hot Metal because Catalyst was off for the weekend. This was cool on several levels: it was nice to be back after a long hiatus, and it so happened that a woman named Emma, who my church has been praying for healing for the past 4 years, shared some words with us today.

The brief story on Emma: we were on a mission trip in Mexico in 2008 and she had a terrible accident that caused her to flip backwards out of a cattle truck. She miraculously survived, but has been plagued for the past 4 years by constant searing headaches. She recently had brain surgery to hopefully finally rectify what was wrong with her head.

Her talk explained how she was grateful for the continuing miracle of the surgery and hopeful recovery (she's not out of the woods yet - it's a slow process), but she mentioned that part of what she was learning was that God showed her blessing both through the valleys and the high times. Her worry was that in yearning for a better day later she was missing how God was in her life in the present suffering. She quoted Chardin as saying:
"...in all these dark moments, O God, grant that I may understand that it is You (provided only my faith is strong enough) who is painfully parting the fibers of my being in order to penetrate to the very marrow of my substance and bear me away within yourself."

I was very affected by her words and how they connected to the message in the book of Job that morning: "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

Later that afternoon, as I was sitting in my car listening to the rain hit the roof, I felt compelled to reread the first chapters of Richard Foster's book on Prayer. I have been at a point for a few years now where I struggle with even being able to pray (so I've only gotten through the first chapters).

I hit this passage (it's too poignant to not include the whole thing):
"How do we practice Simple Prayer? What do we do? Where do we begin? Very simply, we begin right where we are: in our families, on our jobs, with our neighbors and friends. Now, I wish this did not sound so trivial, because, on the practical level of knowing God, it is the most profound truth we will ever hear. To believe that God can reach us and bless us in the ordinary junctures of daily life is the stuff of prayer. We want to throw this away, so hard is it for us to believe that God would enter our space. “God can't bless me here,” we moan. “When I graduate…” “When I’m the chairman of the board…” “When I’m the president of the company…” “When I’m the senior pastor…then God can bless me.” But you see, the only place God can bless us is right where we are, because that is the only place we are!
Do you remember Moses at the burning bush? God had to tell him to take off his shoes—he did not know he was on holy ground. And if we can just come to see that right where we are is holy ground---in our jobs and homes, with our co-workers and friends and families. This is where we learn to pray."

I include this because Emma made a comment talking about her struggles being "holy ground". Where we are standing right now is holy ground! If I truly start believing that, how differently I would approach my living!

And so the spiritual thaw continues... Ever so slowly, but I hope to remain patient, because as Emma said, "So much happens in the waiting." Why would I long so much for 'wholeness' that I miss how God is very real and present in my messy life right now? There's a process to go through and the only way to the other side is through it. And the important thing is that I don't miss God now. If I can't see the Holy One here and now, in the valleys and plateaus, how do I truly appreciate his presence in the high places?


Thursday, October 04, 2012

Cryonic Soul Freeze

You have probably heard of the futuristic cryopreservation in various science fiction.  Essentially, freeze a body, to let it thaw at a future time when perhaps decades or generations have passed - perhaps to avoid an uninhabitable catastrophe.

While this science is far from becoming a reality, it made me wonder:  Can our souls undergo a cryonic freeze?

Instead of our body, maybe our soul can be in a state of almost being alive, barely existing, laying dormant, waiting for a better environment to thrive?


Ok Han, maybe not carbonite freezing, but you get the idea.

I kind of feel like I've been in this state for a while.  I think it was a necessary reaction to some things I've been feeling in my heart, but I'm getting tired of laying around feeling unable to move and unable to find God.  I don't know why I am stuck in this, I just am.    I hope that my time to thaw out will come soon.  Perhaps my hand is actually over the button?  Perhaps I'm afraid of the damage that will happen if I do thaw?  Perhaps I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with the world around me if I do come out of my soul freeze?

I feel like I've tried to unthaw myself, but that I keep freezing up again and again.  It's not enough.

Perhaps I'm going through this for a reason?  Maybe I will become stronger in spite of my lack of motivation to change?  Maybe I need to be just in this state of hopelessness for God to come and pull me out of it - knowing that no one, including myself, could do it better.  Just like Eustace having his dragon layers peeled off by the lion Aslan.


I cannot do this myself.

Please God, I'm waiting, I need you to get my soul of its frozen state, in spite of the pain I might feel.  Only you can do it.