Wednesday, September 03, 2008

On a Razor's Edge...

Ha, as soon as I wrote that title I realized how suicidal that sounded...never fear, I'm not on my "last rope" or something.

What I mean by that phrase is, I feel like lately I've been on the edge of something big. However, it's like I keep floating back and forth toward that edge, like swinging on a rope over a swimming hole and not quite getting far enough over to let go. It's kind of frustrating.

Part of the frustration comes in that I'm not quite sure how to define that big something. I think it's spiritual, but it seems even bigger than that, if that's possible.

The edge might also mean that I feel the pressure of keeping life in balance and I feel that I'm always teetering like that single bowling pin that just refuses to fall when you're sure you've thrown a strike.

All of this balancing and swinging, it's tiring. (those circus types must get exhausted)

Now it occurs to me, perhaps the reason it's tiring is because I'm putting all of the pressure to do the balancing onto myself. I'm human and I'm not exactly built to do that sort of thing. At the same time, I do believe that we are given the responsibility for some of this stuff...inaction is not the answer. It's just, where do I focus my trust when it really comes down to it? When I act, do I have the faith that God will use that action? Do I "do all I can and then leave it up to God?" Do I believe that God works even when I'm not doing such a good job at "doing"??

All I can do is humble myself, spend time being thankful and remembering that I'm Beloved. It is only out of that identity that I can truly act with confidence. It's not that I have to always be in balance or always steady...I often learn so much more when I fall. I relate with people more through what I don't have together than with what I do.

Discipline AND Free-flowing. Works AND Grace. Flesh AND Spirit. This line is a paradox. It's about finding peace within the paradox...being able to live in it even if I don't completely understand it.

This razor edge existence is the only way to live...I just need to let go, move forward and lose my fear of falling.

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